


Same Dark Places

by BlueberriesAndBubbles



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron needs a hug too, Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BAMF Aaron Hotchner, BAMF Spencer Reid, Falling In Love, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Mutual Pining, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Psychological Torture, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Assault, Spencer Reid Whump, Spencer needs a hug, Torture, Trauma, im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:02:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25275871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueberriesAndBubbles/pseuds/BlueberriesAndBubbles
Summary: Aaron woke with a headache, blood dried on his temple.  His eyes caught the still form before him on the dirty concrete."Reid?" Please don't be-"H-Hotch..?"Their attention was dragged away, now captured by the intimidating metal door scraping against the ground as it opened."Hello Agents..  Now the fun can truly begin.."
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Comments: 91
Kudos: 363





	1. Focus on your breathing

Aaron woke with a headache, blood dried on his temple. His eyes caught the still form before him on the dirty concrete. "Reid?" _Please don't be-_

The form twitched, not as still now, "H-Hotch..?" Came the broken voice of his subordinate. He still couldn't see the boys face, his frail body was turned away. Before he could ask if Reid was okay, their attention was dragged away, now captured by the intimidating metal door scraping against the ground as it opened. Spencer twitched on the floor again, his breath hitching in his chest like he knew what was coming. He knew more than Hotch, that much was obvious, but what happened while Hotch was out?

Two men walked into the room. Hotch began analyzing them, profiling what he could, calculating his chances of overpowering these men. One was tall, at least 6'4, he had a well built physique, it reminded him of Morgans body type. They were both Caucasian, brown hair, though the tall one's hair was slightly darker. The other looked to be about 6'2, so also quite tall, he wasn't as large as the other man, but definitely still physically imposing towards either of the agents. Aaron noticed the similarities between the two men, they both had dark eyes, face shapes seemed to mirror each other. _Most likely siblings then.._

The taller once laughed at the tension in the FBI agents bodies and faces as he entered the room, his brother closing the door behind himself, "Hello Agents.. Now the fun can truly begin.."

Aaron glared at him, keeping a stoic mask, he knew that Reid couldn't be strong, he wasn't sure why yet, but the boy already seemed so.. _broken_.. "What do you want?" Aaron asked, keeping his body language and voice blank, clean of any emotion. The taller man gave him a bright smile before stalking towards Reid, using his steel-toed boot to lightly kick the agent, causing his lithe body to limply twist so he was on his back, his face now visible to Hotch. His _battered_ face. Blood was dried from under his nose, running down his chin. His right cheek was already a shade of blue, his right eye swollen shut. He looked at Hotch tiredly, desperately fighting to keep his left eye open. 

"You didn't help us, none of you did." The tall man said, his voice now dark, laced with raw, emotional pain. Aaron tried to analyze the meaning behind the words, but he couldn't help his mind drifting along with his eyes as he stared at his weak and battered agent on the ground. He watched as ragged breaths punched out of Reids small frame. _Was he always that small, or is it the physical vulnerability making him look this way?_ The genius was pale, too pale.. _Possible injures resulting in internal bleeding, his chances of survival are nothing if that is the case.._

"How were we meant to help you?" Aaron asked, his dark eyes piercing the ones of the man who stood over his young agents weak body. "Your team, you save people." The man said. "That isn't an answer." Aaron replied, his eyes glancing between the man and who he believed to be his brother.

"Alex, go get _it_.." The man said, nodding towards the other who was slightly smaller than him. Alex was quick to exit the room to retrieve whatever it was the taller had just requested.

Aaron stopped himself from releasing a shaky breath, he couldn't help but recognize how dangerous this situation was. They were both at the mercy of these men and Spencer already looked like he'd been through hell. "His name is Alex, do I get the pleasure of knowing your own name?" Hotch asked carefully. The man cocked his head at him, his eyebrows were raised in surprised.

He released a huff, "Call me Patrick."

"Alright, Patrick. What do you want from us- from this?" He asked, his eyes still taking moments to assess Reid, to be sure his thin chest was still rising.

"Your team has been on the news a lot, especially as of recent. Your team assisted on a case, started with a man who was abducting kids, hurting them, selling them, killing them. He was part of a ring, you took the entire thing down, it's everywhere." Patrick explained, though the actual point was lost on Hotch.

"We did, that man was Dean Hughes, he was a serial offender, after we made our arrest, he gave up names in exchange for a deal, but when we discovered he had lied and left out some key men involved, he lost the deal while we were still able to bring down the entire ring." Hotch said, confirming the mans previous statement.

Patrick chuckled, "You left out the fact that it was Dr.Reid who got Hughes to talk, then it was you who discovered his lies and managed to take down the entire operation anyway. You were both the main attention of praise from the media, together you took down a pedophile ring that had been working underground for years."

"Our entire team did, we all worked together and were each an integral part to the closing of that case. What is this related to now? You abducted Dr.Reid and myself because we tore down a pedophile ring?"

"You both took all that praise, your careers, your team has been boosted since then, I've been keeping tabs. You helped all those kids, but then you used their pain to advance."

"Neither of us have advanced in our careers because of that case, but our team has become more well-known, resulting in us receiving more cases, more work. I can assure you none of us even received a raise after that case, not that we expected that. I'm sure there is more to this, Patrick, who hurt you and your brother?" Hotch asked, noticing the way the man seemed shocked that Aaron already knew they were brothers.

"Alex and I were hurt real bad growing up.. No one helped us.. Those kids, they got help, but then I saw it wasn't even their stories being told, just yours and Dr. Reids. You're both scum, you used those kids, no different from the men who hurt us."

"We had no control over the media attention we received following that case, we were just pleased to have put an end to the suffering of so many. There are still kids out there, being hurt like you and Alex were, but we can't help them from in here." Hotch said, trying to reason with the man.

"We had to watch each other be hurt, we couldn't protect each other from the pain. It was really just you that bothered me, but I knew I would need _him_ ," Patrick nudged Spencers beaten body with his boot again, "to get my point across."

Aaron felt his heart rate increase. "And what is your point?" 

"I want you to know exactly how I felt, watching Alex be hurt, How Alex felt watching me be hurt. You're the Unit Chief, you would only be in that position if you wanted your face to be the one representing all of your solved cases. It was you who used those kids one final time, used their pain to paste your face all over televisions as a hero."

"You're wrong, Patrick. I had many things said about me on the media, some positive, some negative, it comes with the job. Regardless of what conclusions the public comes to, I will continue to do my job, to work cases and lead my team in a way I can only hope will keep them safe while saving others." Hotch said honestly.

He can't do anything but be honest, be open with this damaged man before him. Patrick's words were not lost on Aaron, he wanted to hurt Reid and he wanted to hurt Hotch by making him watch. He kept himself from swallowing in fear. The young genius was his subordinate, his friend, but he was more than that. He was professional, he would never act on it, but he found himself adoring the awkward agent, possibly even loving him. Now, he was tied to a chair as the young man he had conflicting feeling for was on the ground, beaten and scared. 

"you can't change what is going to happen, you will watch Agent Hotchner. You will watch as we do to him what was done to us." Patrick said darkly.

Hotch couldn't stop the way his breath hitched at that statement. Patrick implied that he and Alex had been sexually abused as kids, this was all over a pedophile ring after all, they wouldn't assault Reid in that way would they? "What was done to you?" Hotch asked, fearful of the answer.

"They would hurt us, smack us around, wail on us when they were bored. They used us.." Patrick trailed off as the door opened again. Alex came in, dragging a large wooden chair, fastened with metal restraints. "Help me get him in the chair.." Patrick ordered his brother.

Together, they lifted Spencer's limp body and deposited him onto the chair, receiving little fight from the dazed and hurting young man. They had Reid shackled to the chair in a matter of minutes, cuffs surrounding his ankles and wrists, a long leather belt wrapped around Spencers chest and the back of the chair. Hotch was sure his face had paled, this was too much like that damned cabin in Georgia. This was the second time he had to see Spencer strapped to a wooden chair, beaten, defenseless, except this time it wasn't through a video camera with poor quality. He could see everything in sickeningly perfect detail. The shades of color in Spencer's bruises, the differences between the dried and still wet blood on his face. The way his ragged breaths punched out of his lungs, the terrifyingly clear sound that Spencer was struggling to breathe, struggling to stay alive. 

He couldn't stop himself from dreadfully asking, "What have you done to him already?" 

Alex gave a sick smile, throwing Hotch off guard. He had assumed Alex was a submissive partner to his brother, but maybe this was more of an equal partnership than he previously profiled. That wasn't good, he'd have a harder time driving any sort of wedge between the men if they were truly on the same page with what they were about to do.

"Just roughed up his face a little, wanted you to wake up to that face being a little less pretty." Alex answered, his voice sounded disgustingly innocent, it was clearly a forced tone, taunting. Hotch wanted to wince at the statement, but he maintained his stoic expression, just as he always did.

Patrick walked to the opposite end of the room and opened a giant black chest, something Hotch hadn't noticed before. He wanted to chastise himself for not profiling the room he was trapped in, he was too distracted by the barely conscious genius before him. Patrick pulled out a metal rod which had a handle at the end, it was only a moment before he hit a switch on the rod and it made a clear electrical sound. _Oh god.._

"We are going to ask you questions, every time you answer wrong, he pays for it." Alex said, ruffling Spencers curls.

Spencer tiredly pulled away from the touch, his eyes widened when he realized his was strapped and cuffed to a chair. _He is only just realizing whats happening? Not good, possible concussion.._

"..H..Hotch..?" Spencer called out, his uninjured eye barely open, desperately trying to see his unit chief. Aaron felt his heart become heavy, Spencer was scared. "I'm right here, Reid." He answered, feeling sick at the pleased looks the other men had on their faces as they watched the interaction between the agents. Alex gripped Spencers hair in a tight hold, snickering when the boy whimpered. "What's happening?" Spencer asked into the room, though Hotch felt obligated to answer.

"Agent Hotchner is going to feel what it means to be helpless, Doctor.." Alex said, his voice was evil, that was the only word Hotch could think to put to it. He released his tight hold on Reids hair when Patrick approached the genius with the electrified rod in his hand, a smirk on his face. "I will show you once what happens when you answer our questions wrong, then we will begin." Patrick said with a smile. Hotch glared at the man, he couldn't give in, he had to stay strong for Reid.

Patrick jabbed the rod into Spencer's arm, causing the young agent to release a pained scream as his body spasms within the restraints. "Stop it! You've made your point!" Hotch yelled. Patrick pulled the rod away, leaving Reid gasping for breath as his body still jerked with the aftershocks of the electricity sent through him, pained whimpers escaping his mouth.

Without explanation, Patrick and his brother left the room, promising a quick return. Hotch watched his agent try to regain some control over his erratic breathing, his chest heaving the best it could against the belt keeping his chest restrained. "Reid? I need you to keep your eyes open." Hotch said gently, earning a tired flinch from the boy. Spencer lifted his head to look at Hotch, he didn't have the strength to keep the pain his felt in his body from displaying over his sharp features. "Hotch.." Spencer whimpered. 

"I'm with you, I'll get us out of here, Reid. You need to keep fighting."

Spencer gasped for a broken breath, "A-Are you h-hurt?" He asked weakly, his voice was dripping with concern. _He's been beaten and electrocuted and he's asking how I am?_

"No. Where all are you hurt?" Hotch asked. He needed to catalog Reids injuries, determine his chances of survival. Spencer gave him an odd look before answering, "I'll be okay.. You need to get out of here, Hotch." Spencer said as he tried to readjust his body, though his movements were stiff and restrained.

"I'm restrained, Reid." Hotch said, raising his eyebrows at the young agent. "Oh.." Reid said dumbly, releasing a halfhearted chuckle. "We're really in trouble this time.." Spencer muttered. Hotch sighed, "We are, but I'm going to get us out of here, you save your strength."

Spencer let his head fall back again before whispering, "Yes Sir."

The door opened again, the two brothers were carrying in another chest, most likely filled with more horrors. "Alright Agent Hotchner, time for your first question..."


	2. Looks can be deceiving

**_*_ **

**_Hot, blistering sun beating down on him. He barely registered it as he swings back and forth, wind blowing against his face with every gentle push his mother delivers._ **

**_"Higher!" Spencer yelled as laughter bubbled up within his 9 year old body._ **

**_"Only a little.." Diana said wearily, though she gave him a harder push, making him go higher on the swing._ **

_**He could hear other kids playing together, laughing as they chased each other along the playground. He'd not been allowed to play with them, his mother was sure their parents were fascists. He couldn't care, with every push he went higher, closer to the sky. Spencer went particularly high on the last push, making his mom panic.** _

_**"Okay! That's high enough!" Diana yelled, making Spencer giggle as his swings came to a slow, eventually stopping. With the air from swinging gone, he suddenly felt the real heat from the unforgiving sun they always had during Las Vegas summers.** _

_**"May we get ice cream!?" Spencer asked his mother excitedly, she gave him a fake glare in response. "Pleeeaasee?" He begged, using his best innocent voice. Diana cracked a smile before laughing and taking his hand.** _

_**"Well... I guess there's no harm in an ice cream cone, is there, baby?" She said happily, leading Spencer to the nearest ice cream stand. "What flavor, I'll order for you, I don't trust that man to talk to you."** _

_**"Vanilla!"** _

_***** _

"AAAUUGGHHNN!" Spencer screamed, being pulled out of his mind by what felt like fire shooting through his veins, making his muscles spasm.

"Well, well, well... Look what brought him back! He just needed a little jolt!" Patrick yelled with a bright smile. Somewhere in his mind, Spencer registered the sound of Hotch yelling, he sounded angry, possibly even scared? 

Aaron thrashed in his chair, desperately trying to escape his cuffs as he watched his young colleague thrash in that horrid chair, in this horrid room. "You said you'd only use it if I answered something wrong! You haven't even asked me a question, if you're going to make rules, at least follow them!" Hotch screamed, his typical Unit Chief voice being used in a way he had never wanted. He watched Spencer fight to steady his breaths, shaking his head as if there were water in his ears.

Alex scoffed, " **You** follow the rules, **we** don't." He said, trailing his fingers up Spencer's right arm, over the restraints keeping him in place. Spencer didn't flinch from the touch, but Hotch could see the way his eyes followed the movement in fear. "This won't get you what you want, this won't fix what happened to you as kids." Aaron said calmly, using all the strength he could muster to think like a profiler, not a man watching someone he cares for be tortured.

"Who said we thought this would fix it? We just wanted to have a little fun, you guys are going to give us exactly what we want." Patrick said, walking circles around the young genius as Alex continued to run his hands over Spencer's arms, each time getting closer to feeling the restrained mans chest. "And what is it you want from us?" Aaron asked, keeping his stoic mask in place. He fought himself not to scream, cry, _beg_ for Alex to take his hands off his agent.

Patrick smiled, his eyes twinkling, "We still need to ask you your first question, Agent Hotchner." He put his hand on the top of Reids head, ruffling his hair before grabbing it in a tight grip. "Ah.." Spencer gasped out at the rough pull on his scalp, forcing him into full awareness. "Ask me." Hotch gritted out.

"Do you have a brother?" Patrick asked, forcing Reids head all the way back, exposing his neck. "Yes, a younger brother, I know what it's like to just want to protect someone." Hotch answered honestly, keeping his eyes locked with Patrick's. "Mmm, Good answer, trying to relate to me.. All the times I had to watch while they hurt Alex, while they touched him.." Patrick's words made Hotch's blood feel like ice.

Patrick smiled before bending his face down to Reid's neck, licking a stripe before sucking at the young agents jaw. Spencer tried to pull away from the contact, but the firm grip in his hair kept him in place. Patrick pulled away and looked at Hotch surprised, "You're not going to tell me to stop? Beg me to get my hands- my mouth off of your agent?"

Hotch shook his head, "You wouldn't listen if I had. You want me to do that, so that you can ignore me while you hurt him." Hotch kept his face and voice straight, despite the fire burning in his heart, the need to protect the young man stronger than ever. "Maybe I would listen to you, but you aren't even willing to try?" Patrick asked in a voice faking disappointment. He placed a gentle kiss to Spencer's bruised cheek, making the boy close his eyes. "How far will you let me go before you drop your pride?"

"You don't want to do to him what was done to you." Hotch responded. "Don't dodge my questions, Agent Hotchner! How far will you let me go?" He gave a sick laugh before returning his mouth to Spencer's neck, sucking and licking across it. Spencer held his eyes closed, blocking out the wetness against his pale skin. Patrick's eyes flickered to Hotch's once more before he bit down, hard. Spencer yelped at the sudden burst of sharp pain as Patrick clamped his teeth on the agents neck. He pulled away and licked at the mark his teeth left, wishing he'd drawn blood.

He glanced at Hotch again, this time his surprise was even more evident, as if he had really expected the Unit Chief to give in and scream. He ran his hand over Spencer's shaky chest to his flat stomach over the genius's sweater vest. His hand moved further down, now over Spencer's belt. "Y-You don't have to do this.." Spencer whispered, squirming in his seat to escape the inevitable touch.

Patrick moved to bite at Spencer's earlobe before whispering, "He's making me do this," he nodded to Hotch who was staring at the interaction, looking defeated. "all he has to do is beg for me to stop and I wouldn't be touching you.." Spencer closed his eyes and caught his bottom lip between his teeth, willing himself not to feel what was happening.

"You're lying..." Spencer gritted out as Patrick brought his hand to the agents crotch, palming at his flaccid member beneath his clothing. "What?" Patrick looked at the boy with furious eyes. "After he begs, you'll hurt me worse, you just want to make him feel helpless." Spencer spat out, glaring at the man who had now pulled his hand away from his crotch. Patrick took a step back before nodding towards Alex.

"Agent Reid, I have one question for you, it'll determine whether or not we let you and your Unit Chief out of here." Alex says, taking a step backwards towards Aaron, looking at Spencer darkly. Spencer released a sigh, "Okay.." Alex perked up at the compliance, clearly pleased by Spencer's lack of fight. "You or him?" He asked the shaking agent.

Spencer furrowed his brows in confusion. "What?"

"You or him? Choose, now!" Alex snapped. Spencer took a deep breath, "What am I choosing for us?" He asked, taking a chance he wasn't sure he could. "Who am I going to hurt, you or-" Alex was cut off by Spencer immediately piping up once he understood what was being asked of him. "Me! Me. Hurt me, let him go."

Aaron shook his head vehemently, "Reid, no-" Spencer cut him with a loud shriek as Patrick forcefully struck him with the electrified rod once again. "Stop! Stop hurting him!" Hotch yelled, pulling against his bonds with a new sense of strength. "He made his choice, good too, he's just my type, pretty little thing." Alex said, walking close to Reids now limp form, having passed out from the electricity shot through his body.

"Don't touch him!" Hotch growled out. "What exactly do you hope to achieve with your screaming, Agent?" Patrick asked, kneeling in front of him. "Let him go.. Think about how you felt... watching those men hurt Alex. What did they do to him while you watched, Patrick?" Hotch asked, clinging to a shred of hope that he could keep them distracted from hurting Reid.

"You already know.." Patrick said with a glare.

"No, I don't, not really. What did they make you watch?" Hotch asked again. Patrick went stiff before nodding his head and answering, "They beat on him, used him-"

"How did they use him?"

"They raped him! Is that what you want to hear!? They raped him- they raped us! They would shove us to the ground, rip our clothes off, and force themselves inside of us! They wouldn't stop, no matter how much we cried, how much we begged."

"And you've spent your entire lives having to live with that pain." Aaron affirmed.

"Now you will too." Patrick replied, looking back at Alex as a way of silently communicating something. Alex began undoing all of Reids bindings, including the cuffs and the belt around his chest. Aaron watched in horror as Spencer's body slumped forward, only being caught last minute by Alex who then guided his limp body onto the floor,

Aaron felt his stoic mask cracking. "You wanted me to beg? Fine, I'm begging! Don't touch him, don't hurt him like you were hurt! I am **begging** you to let him go! Hurt me, not him.." 

Patrick scoffed, nodding at Alex as a way to encourage him. "You're both such the self sacrificing type, huh? He told us to hurt him, you told us to hurt you.. You didn't fail to deliver what we wanted, Agent Hotchner.." Before Hotch could muster a reply, he was cut off by a groan from Reid who was coming back to consciousness. _Damn, I don't know if that'll be a good thing, I don't know what is going to happen to you but I swear to god, I swear on **Haley's grave** , I'm going to get you out of here alive._

Alex began unbuckling Reids belt, causing the young agent to squirm away from him, awareness assaulting Spencer's brain like a bucket of ice water being poured over him. Once the belt was pulled from his slacks, it was his button being undone, then his zipper. It was happening too fast, it was out of his control and it was really happening. He felt dizzy and confused yet hyper-aware at the same time, his skin felt like it was on fire, yet his blood was running cold. Spencer couldn't stop his brain from wandering, more like running actually, trying to figure out what was happening. 

_This is what terror feels like, it's just like Georgia, Tobias. Why would I rather be back in that cemetery digging my grave than here? At least Hotch was safe then, he's not now, if I screw up, they'll lash out and kill him, it's him they are mad at._

His slacks were being pulled down to his knees, though his boxers were untouched, he tried to stop himself from feeling embarrassment over the fact that his boxers had atoms on them, these men most likely wouldn't be focused on the print of his underwear, more so taking them off. That was a more terrifying thought than anything and Spencer wanted to internally scold himself for letting his brain run without restraint.

Aaron was too focused on Spencer's impending assault to focus on the pattern of his boxers, not that Aaron would look there anyway, he knew how modest Reid was, he'd never want to compromise his privacy, even in a situation like this. Haley hasn't even been gone a year, and yet Aaron had found himself in another situation where someone he cares for is going to be hurt and he can't do anything to stop it. This time, it's not his son who he fears he will watch die, it's Reid. Seeing Reid like that, weak, battered, helpless on the ground while a sick man strips him of his clothing, it brought a new type of fear into Hotch's heart. It was something he'd never felt, it was close to the way his heart twisted when he heard Haley's last words over the phone, but this time it was more uncertain. It's like his heart is preparing for him to watch Reid be murdered, but maybe not, maybe he'll just sit there and watch this young man be assaulted and then left on the ground to spend a lifetime healing from the trauma this has caused. 

_He's young, too young. 28 years, that's not enough, not for someone like Spencer Reid. He has more knowledge than anyone I've ever met, but he still has so much to learn, 28 isn't enough. I'll get you out of here, Reid, no matter what I have to do. I promised myself I'd help you learn how to deal with things emotionally after Hankel, but I never did._

"If you're good, I'll be gentle, make it real nice for you, but if you're bad, I'll have to make it hurt." Alex purred into Reids ear, making the man shiver. "You don't **have** to do any of this. We can help you, both of you. We can find the men that hurt you, I assure you they are still hurting children and we will have them brought to justice for you." Spencer said desperately, pain was evident in his voice.

Alex backed off of him, glancing at Patrick briefly who also seemed stunned. "You'd help us?" Alex asked disbelievingly. Spencer nodded jerkily, "Yes! Yes. We can use your descriptions to track them down, they very well could be part of a pedophile ring like what we recently took down, you would help us take down a lot of bad men. It would be your stories being told, if that's what you want. Two brothers who faced abuse as children grew up to take down a ring of pedophiles that had been operating for decades, everyone would want to hear your story." Spencer assured, his voice was high, he needed to talk them down, he didn't want them hurting Hotch.

Patrick groaned low in his throat, frustration evident. "Do you think we are that stupid? If we let you go, you'll have us arrested and send us to prison!" He yelled angrily, his eyes flashing to Alex as a signal. Reid already knew what that signal was, he was telling him to carry on, Spencer was sure he was too weak to fight, but he still tried. He kicked his legs and thrashed his fists in a desperate attempt to make contact with the firm body on top of him, trying to tug down his boxers.

"Get off of him! We won't press charges! GET OFF OF HIM!" Hotch screamed, once again thrashing in his chair, but he didn't have as much strength, he was growing weaker with every minute, bringing their chances of ever escaping even lower. 

To everyone's surprise, Spencer's foot made contact with Alex's hip, causing the man to fall back and grunt in pain, "You stupid little shit!" Patrick yelled, helping Alex lift himself back up from the floor. Reid had already managed to pull his slacks back up as he scrambled to the furthest wall, trying to stand as the two men approached him. "Where are you going to go, huh? You're trapped with us, Agent." Alex snickered as he approached Reid from left while Patrick took his right.

Spencer looked between the two and decided he had better odds with Alex. He launched himself at the man, catching everyone off guard. With a scream, Reid had tackled Alex to the ground, from Aaron's point of view, they looked like a mound of flailing limbs as they fought each other. Spencer managed to thrust his knee between Alex's legs, causing the man to release a wail of agony as he fought to catch his breath, immediately cupping his genitals with his hands. Spencer was quick on his feet, but he wasn't strong enough for Patrick who was already barreling towards him, forcefully shoving him against the wall. Reids head bounced off the wall with a sick _crack,_ making Aaron wince as Spencer visibly became dazed and unsteady. He slumped against Patrick who held him up as he dragged him back to the wooden chair across from Aaron, already making work of cuffing the boy back in place.

"Get the fuck up and help me, Alex!" Patrick called as Spencer began fighting against him in the chair. He was thrashing and moaning in pain as Patrick held him down and attempted to close the cuffs around his wrists. Alex slowly made his way back to his feet, though he was still clearly feeling the aftershocks of the hit Reid got in on his groin. He began working on the cuffs while Patrick put all of his weight and strength into keeping Reid contained. Aaron wasn't even aware that he had been tugging at his own cuffs so hard during the altercation that he had sliced the skin on his wrist, though he knew he hadn't opened a vein, he had to be careful.

With Spencer secured in the chair once again, both men released heavy breaths and exited the room without a word.

Spencer's head kept falling forward before he would jolt and shoot back up again, every time his eyes closed, they remained as such longer with each blink. Aaron was sure the boy had a concussion, if not before, he surely did after what just happened. "Reid, I need you to stay awake." Aaron called out, causing the boys eyes to widen and land on his.

"Hotch.."

"I'm right here, keep your eyes on me."

Spencer chuckled lightly, causing the elders brows to furrow. "I- I stopped him.." He said as he released a breathy laugh.

"You did." Hotch confirmed, not sure if there was anything else he could say. Spencer looked at him with such intensity, he almost wanted to look away, but he couldn't. As long as Reid was looking at him, he knew that the boy was alive and he needed to hold on to that if he was going to get them out of there. Spencer opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but then closed it again, looking defeated.

Hotch stared him down and released a sigh, "What is it?" 

"I.. I don't think I can stop them next time.." He said quietly, it was just a whisper. If it hadn't been completely silent in the room, Hotch was sure he would have missed it.

Hotch shook his head, determination filling himself, "I won't let them do that.." He said with a finality to his voice. Spencer released another chuckle, concerning Hotch further, "Don't say that, what they do is out of your hands.. Don't put this on your shoulders, that would be dumb.." Spencer's voice didn't sound serious, but Hotch knew that he was. He couldn't help but be shocked by the way Spencer was talking, it was so different from his usual speech.

"How bad are you hurt?" He decided that despite it being a stupid question, he had to ask it. Apparently Spencer also found it stupid since all he did was give Aaron an annoyed look and shake his head at him before laughing. _Why does he keep laughing? I don't know how to help him, he's putting up walls I've never seen before._

Spencer laughed a little harder before forcing himself to quiet down and look at Hotch for a moment, "I'm glad I'm here with you." He whispered. That surely caught the Unit Chiefs attention, he stared at Reid with wide eyes for a moment, like he had said something crazy. Spencer was sure he had seen people look at his mother that way. "I don't mean I'm glad we are here, in this situation.. I mean, if I had to choose who I was kidnapped with, I think it would be you.." He added, as if that made his words any less ridiculous.

"Why?" Was all that Hotch could think to ask. Spencer seemed to be stuck in thought for a moment before answering, "I didn't mean that I want you here, if I could send you away from this place, I would.." Spencer said honestly. "I just..." He let out a tired sigh before continuing, "Having to be taken with someone, out of anyone, I feel the safest with it being you." He finished, eyeing Hotch for a reaction. 

Hotch stared at him for a moment, at a loss for words. "Oh.." He uttered, though he felt like he owed the genius more. Spencer looked at him awkwardly for a moment before letting out a nervous chuckle, "Yeah.." he whispered before letting his eyes fall closed, this time, they didn't snap back open.

"Reid?"

"Reid, open your eyes!"

"Spencer!"


	3. Everyone has curated their life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh please, say to me  
> You'll let me be your man  
> And please, say to me  
> You'll let me hold your hand  
> Now, let me hold your hand  
> I want to hold your hand"
> 
> (I Want to Hold Your Hand - The Beatles)

_***** _

_**"Mom! Mom, come on, get up! It's the afternoon.." Spencer called out, opening the black-out drapes covering his moms bedrooms window. His mom stirred, grumbling unhappily at the new light in the room.** _

_**"I'm resting, Spencer." Diana said groggily. Spencer sighed. "You've been resting for two days.. The doctor says you need sunlight and proper meals.. I made a late breakfast for you!" He picked up the plate of eggs and toast he'd left on her dresser, carrying it to his mother who was now sitting up. He tried not to focus on her sunken cheeks or messy hair.** _

_**Diana accepted the food, analyzing it closely before taking a bite in front of the boy eagerly watching her. "Does it taste okay?" He asked nervously. She gave him a warm smile and patted the space next to herself on the bed, "Well, these are the best eggs I've ever had! You made these?" She asked, forcing amazement into her voice as she chewed the mediocre eggs and took a bite of the slightly burnt toast.** _

_**Spencer giggled as he nodded his head, a proud smile on his small 11-year old face. "I was thinking we could go for a walk today, get you outside?" He asked hopefully. Diana immediately shook her head vehemently , "No, Spencer, it's not safe, you know that." She said sternly. Spencer quieted down, the smile slipping from his face as he watched his mother, being sure she ate every bite of the breakfast he made. Once the plate was cleared, she set it on her nightstand and made to lay back down.** _

_**Spencer's mind starting turning, trying to come up with a reason she needed to stay awake. "Can we play scrabble?" He asked quietly. "Not right now, baby, let me rest. Go play with your friends." She said gently, rubbing Spencer's shoulder before closing her eyes.** _

_**"But I don't have any.." He whispered, deciding to lay down next to his mother, taking comfort in the sound of her soft breaths. Diana opened her eyes, watching her son who was still next to her, drumming his fingers over his thin chest as he stared at the ceiling, she could see her sons mind was working, just like it always was. "Read something to me, Spencer." She said softly.** _

_**"What book should I grab to read?" He asked.** _

_**"You don't need a book to read, you always amaze me with your mind, Spencer. Read me the Parliament of Foules, like I have to you."** _

_**Spencer nodded and cuddled up to his mom, he looked at the ceiling as he began reciting the 700 -line poem his mother had read to him many times.** _

_**"The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne,"** _

_**He felt cold suddenly, so so cold.** _

_**"Th'assay so hard, so sharp the conqueringe,"** _

_**Something was wrong, something was different, not quite right. He could no longer feel the warmth of his mother and his clothes felt wet.** _

_**"The dreadful joye alwey that slit so yerne,"** _

_**Was that screaming he could hear? He felt himself shivering, his bones felt frozen and his skin had goosebumps. He was soaked, cold, freezing. He was scared, everything started hurting, aching all over. He was no longer with his mother, no longer reading to her, he was no longer 11. Where was his mom? He just needed another minute, a minute to be warm, to be safe.** _

_***** _

"...Mom?" He called out, feeling himself sitting upright, but he couldn't move. He was secured to something. Much like the ice water that had been poured over his previously unconscious form, reality washed over him.

"Mommy isn't here right now." Came a deep voice, a sick voice. Spencer recognized it, but right now he couldn't focus. His ears were searching for something, but he wasn't sure what. What was he trying to hear- who was he trying to hear? He's in danger, his rapid pulse is a reminder of that, but so was someone else, someone important. That's when he heard a sick TWUMP and a muffled grunt of pain. A familiar grunt. He opened his eyes as wide as he could, staring back at him was his Unit Chief, Aaron Hotchner. His ears stopped searching, his eyes had found him.

Next to Hotch, was Patrick with a sick grin on his face and a wooden bat in his hands. Reids mind supplied that was mostly likely the cause of the sick sound earlier, the cause of Hotch's pain. "Hotch.." He said quietly, desperately trying to deliver the last of his strength to the man in front of him. The man he had looked up to, trusted, loved, believed in for years. The man who had a son at home, a little boy who had already lost his mother, he couldn't lose his father too. The team depended on Hotch, so many people did.

Reid found himself realizing that no one really needed him, not quite like they needed the strong man before him. He had fought these men with all he had, a desperate attempt to preserve himself, but now Hotch was being hurt because of it, his pain was Reids fault. Reid released a shaky breath, "Don't hurt him..." He said weakly, barely audible.

"What's my alternative?" Patrick asked, running the end of the bat over Hotch's ribs, most likely where he had struck him previously based off the poorly hidden wince the action drew from Aaron.

"I-I'll do anything.. hurt me, that was the deal.." Spencer pleaded, feeling tears threaten to fall from his eyes. He could hear Hotch's harsh breathing, there was no way they had only hurt him once while Reid was out. "Reid.. no.. I'm okay.." He gasped out, staring at the frail young man before him, struggling to control his internal panic.

Alex grinned from behind Reid, putting his hands on the restrained mans shoulders, rubbing over them in a falsely soothing manner. "You want to keep him safe?" Alex asked Reid, his lips against Reid's bloody ear. "Yes.." Spencer replied, nodding his head tiredly. 

Alex placed a gentle kiss on Reids head before standing up straight, "If you don't fight me, we won't have to hurt him, okay?"

"O-Okay.."

"No! Reid, no! We aren't playing your sick games anymore!" Hotch yelled as Alex began undoing Reids cuffs. With Spencer now having a sense of freedom, he bolted from the chair, heading straight for Patrick, making a grab for the bat in his hands. He was less than successful, behind caught by Alex from behind as Patrick swing the bat right into Spencer's stomach, knocking the breath out of the genius. His knees buckled under him and he fell to the floor between the two men, gripping his stomach.

Hotch roared to life in his chair, though was still being mindful of the split skin on his wrist, he wasn't going to be any help to Reid if he bled out in this damned chair. Alex dragged Spencer's weakly protesting body to the center of the room, between Hotch and the now empty wooden chair across from him. Patrick handed his brother a fishers knife, a piece of information Hotch's mind would have typically cataloged if he wasn't watching in horror as Reids sweater vest and shirt was sliced open, revealing his bare skin.

Reid tried to kick, to punch, to just fight with all he had, which wasn't much anymore. "Stay still!" Alex roared, slamming his fists down onto Reids chest, pulling choked gasps from the genius. He began yanking down Reids pants, causing a whole new wave of fight to wash over the young man, his limbs desperately swinging in an attempt to make any form of contact with his attacker.

Patrick swung his bat, making hard contact with Hotch's ribs again, forcing the man to groan in pain. "Stop fighting or the next blow will be to his head!" Patrick threatened, lightly tapping the end of the bat against Hotch's temple. Spencer went limp on the floor.

For a second, Hotch thought he had gone unconscious, but then he saw his eyes. They were open, one still swollen and barely peeking at him. Spencer was awake, he just wasn't fighting anymore, it had all been drained from him at the threat of Hotch's pain. Aaron felt his heart pull at his chest, knowing that Spencer was letting Alex pull his pants from his body for no reason but to protect _him_. It was too much, he couldn't take anymore, he couldn't watch Reid be violated for _him._

"Reid.. No.. Fight, fight him!" When Reid continued to lay limp on the ground, his eyes boring holes into Hotch's soul, Hotch felt a flare of anger within himself. How could Reid let this happen to himself for Hotch? "FIGHT HIM! FIGHT HIM, REID, DAMMIT!" He screamed, making the boy on the floor close his eyes and turn his head away as his boxers were jerked down to his knees.

"You're beautiful.." Alex cooed, running his hands down Reids smooth, bare chest.

Aaron stopped being mindful of his cuffs or the cut on his wrist, "GET OFF OF HIM!" Hotch roared angrily, jerking in the damned chair he was cuffed too. Spencer opened his eyes when he felt Alex trail his hands over his exposed thighs. He looked to Hotch for strength, for anything that could get him through this. "I-It's okay.. H-otch.." Reid choked out, meeting the defeated and pained eyes of his Unit Chief. He didn't know why, it was pointless, but he found himself stretching his weak arm out, reaching his hand towards Aaron.

Aaron tried not to notice Alex kissing along Reids abdomen, his hands stroking closer and closer to the beaten man's flaccid member. He tried not to notice the fearful rapid rise and fall of Reids chest, the panic in his eyes as he reached to Hotch with a weak hand. He tried not to notice the dried blood on the young mans bruised face. He desperately tried not to close his eyes when Spencer's breath hitched as his boxers were pulled the rest of the way off his body. It was when the boys legs were forced apart that he let his reaching hand drop to the ground in defeat. "Oh god.." Reid cried as Alex shuffled himself between his legs.

Hotch fought back his tears, the stinging in his heart, the flames burning his soul at the sight. He needed to be strong, for Reid, for himself, for them both to make it out of this cursed room. If his mind had properly been working, he'd had noticed that the lack of windows and concrete floor meant they were most likely being held in a basement. 

"Just look at me, Reid.. I'm right here.. I'm here, Reid.." Hotch said, staring into the broken young mans fearful eyes. "Ho-Hotch.. Make it stop.." Spencer cried, tears rolling down his cheeks as he felt a finger prod at his entrance. "I'm sorry, Reid.. I'm here, you're not alone.."

Patrick seemingly became enraged at the comfort Hotch was providing the young man, he'd never been able to calm Alex that much simply by talking to him during their assaults. "Wait! Alex.. take him to the other room." Everyone went still, shocked at Patrick's command. Alex looked at him with his mouth gaped open in surprise. "Wha- But this is how they did it to us?" He asked his older brother, confused.

"Yeah, well, it's different for them than for us. Take him to the next room, he doesn't deserve his little boyfriend talking him through it." Patrick said sternly, jabbing the bat into Hotch's ribs. All Alex did was nod, shuffling over Reid to grab his forearms and begin dragging the weak form towards the door.

Spencer's brain caught up with what was happening and found a new wave of panic washing over himself. He watched Hotch become further and further from him as he was dragged to the heavy door. He began kicking his legs and trying to twist in the grip on his arms. "No.. No no no no... please.. H-otch! Hotch! Hotch _please_!" He screamed, desperately trying to fight the bruising hold Alex had on him. 

Hotch fought not to hang his head in shame as his agent was dragged away. Patrick opened the door for his brother before moving to pick up Reid at his ankles, helping carry the thrashing man to the next room. "Please.. Don't hurt him.. Don't do this to him!" Hotch pleaded, feeling something snap within himself. The men ignored him as they carried the genius away. Hotch heard a sick **thud** joined with a pained whimper, he realized it was the sound of them dropping Spencer's already beaten body onto the concrete.

Patrick walked back into the room with a sick smile, closing the door most of the way, but leaving it open enough for him to get into the other room if needed. With the heavy door slightly open, the noises from the other room were muffled, but still audible.

Hotch could hear Alex cooing to his agent. He could hear muffled protests before a harsh cry that he was sure belonged to Reid. "My brother is making quick work of your boyfriend." Patrick snickered.

Hotch leveled a harsh glare on the man, "He's not my boyfriend." He wasn't sure why that was his response. The comments these men made were the least of their concerns, but he couldn't bring himself to listen to the sounds from the other room. "Well, no one will want him once we're through with him." Patrick said confidently, like he was proud of what they were doing.

"AH! Stop! Stop stop stop! Please! Hotch! Hotch!" Aaron could hear Spencer through the door. He closed his eyes in defeat as he listened to Spencer's cries and screams. "Ho-Ah!-Hotch! H-Help! Hotch! Hotch!.... H-Hotch!?" Spencer's voice became one of horror. 

Hotch's eyes snapped open, finding himself fill with a need, a raw need to protect Spencer, to help him in anyway he could. "I'm here, Reid!" He yelled out as loud as he could, praying his response reached the scared genius.

Spencer took comfort in the voice of his unit chief, despite it sounding as though it had been torn from his throat. He closed his eyes and tried to will his mind away from what was happening. He tried not to feel the burning stretch of Alex's dry fingers forcing themselves inside his entrance. He knew when his legs were forced apart and the sound of a zipper being brought down that it was really happening. He tried to struggle, but his aching and sore muscles protested the smallest movement. He tried to close his legs, but Alex was already wedged between them. He let himself scream when Alex forced himself inside Reid's lithe body.

Once a painful rhythm was set, Reid could only cry out as his body jerked with every movement. He tried to think of what his mother would always do to soothe him. She would read to him, then he would read to her, to himself when it wasn't possible for her to do it anymore. He remembered the poem he'd been reading before the harsh cold from a bucket of ice water had jerked him back to this frigid reality.

"Al this love... mene I by love, that my.. f-felynge" He said to himself, tears streaming down his face as Alex bucked against him. "What the fuck are you saying?" Alex spat before delivering a particularly brutal thrust into the young man.

"Astonyeth... with his wonder-f-ful werkynge" Spencer continued through stuttered breaths, his mind far, far away. "Cut it out!" Alex raged.

"So sore y-wis, that... whan I on... him thinke," 

"Stop saying that shit!" The sickening sound of skin slapping against skin made Alex's point, though Reid wasn't responding to anything. He was completely still beneath the man assaulting him, as if blood wasn't smeared over his thighs, as if he wasn't a mess of bruises, small cuts, blood, wheezing breaths.

"Nat wo-woot I wel wher that I flete or... sinke."

Fists slammed against his chest, forcing a harsh breath out of his chest, snapping his mind back into reality. The pain in his rear lit anew. Alex took up a savage pace, Reids blood lubricating his passage. A fresh wave of tears flowing freely from Reids eyes, everything around him was pain. The room he was in was bare, nothing but dirty concrete with matching walls. It was just him and Alex. He was alone, he was alone and scared, more scared than he'd ever been. 

He'd never felt such agony in his life, surely someone couldn't live after something like this? He was sure that this was how he died, beaten, bloody, used, alone on a concrete floor. There was always a part of himself that was afraid he would die alone, but this was worse because he wasn't technically alone. No, he was with his attacker, he was going to die underneath the thrusting body of a man who wanted nothing but to hurt and use his body. He'd rather be alone.

After a few pained whimpers, he carried on with his recitation, "F-For al be -Ah!- that I knowe nat...-Ungh!- love in dede,"

The thrusts only became harder, more erratic, drawing more cries from the battered genius, "Aghhnn! Ne wot... h-how that he -AHN!- quyteth folk.. h-hir hyre," his voice became weaker with ever pound to his chest, ribs, and flat stomach. He felt a particularly hard thrust, Alex's hips jerking slightly as he emptied himself within the broken man. Spencer grew quiet, keeping his eyes closed as his tears freely flowed. He barely registered Alex calling for his brother to help him. He didn't feel them tug his boxers back onto his body before they picked him up and carried him back to the room with Hotch. He didn't snap back till he was dropped to the ground. His body flared with aching pain, forcing a high-pitched whine out of his sore and scratchy throat. He didn't hear the men snicker before making their exit, promising a return with a light kick to Reids hip.

For a moment, Hotch could only stare at his agent laying limp on the ground. His boxers were back on, though slightly askew. Blood could still be seen streaking his thighs, his torso a mess of red splotches, some had already begun bruising. Reid was laying on his back, his thin chest rising and falling with shallow, weak breaths, each one punching out of the battered form like it hurt. Spencer turned his head, barely cracking open his eyes to see Hotch. "Reid..." The Unit Chief gasped out, he wasn't sure what else he could say.

Tears began to run down the young mans face once again as he stared into the eyes of a man he had trusted with his life for years. He still did. All he could focus on was the pain in his body, in his heart. He needed gentle, tender, love. He needed something, someone, "Hotch..." He croaked out.

Hotch fought not to cry, not to break down right there. "I'm here." _I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you._

Spencer tried to shuffle closer to the man, wincing at the movement and immediately stopping himself. "I-It hurts.." He said. He knew that the man couldn't change that, he couldn't magically take away the pain, but he could soothe it. In the moment, Spencer couldn't process that this was his Unit Chief, his boss. Right now, he was Hotch.. Aaron. He was the only sign of hope, of strength. Reid needed that, he needed him, nothing else.

"I know, just keep breathing for me, Reid. You're so strong." _Stronger than me, stronger than anyone._

Reid smiled, actually smiled at the man looking down at him. It was sad, pained, but it was there, it was _something_ to give Hotch a single sliver of hope that Reid could make it out of this. Spencer's smile morphed into a pained grimace as he stretched out his arm towards Hotch, like before. He was closer this time, but still not close enough. His hand reached for Hotch, a desperate attempt for contact that couldn't be made.

Hotch felt his heart thump against his chest, "Stay still, Reid. Save your strength."

Reid didn't listen, if anything, he strained himself harder, desperately reaching for the only sign of comfort he could find. "Please.." He whimpered, his voice was dripping with need, it was something Hotch had never heard from the man before.

"What do you need? Talk to me.." Hotch said softly.

"I want to hold your hand.."

Hotch's heart stopped. Reid was still looking at him, still reaching for him like he was the only thing in the world. He realized that in the moment, he technically was the only thing in Reid's world. It was just them in the room, no way out, it was very possible that they would die together in this room. Hotch realized in that moment that he wanted to hold Spencer's hand too, but not like this, not _because_ of this. He wanted to hold the genius while they slept. He wanted them both to hold Jack's hands. He wanted to watch Spencer do magic in front of his son, pulling giggles from the young boy. Would he ever hold his son again? Was his son going to be left an orphan? He wasn't ready to die, he wasn't ready for Spencer to die. _If we make it out of here, I'll spend the rest of my life holding your hand._

"I'm cuffed, Reid.." He admitted regrettably. Spencer's hand dropped to the ground, still stretched in Hotch's direction. The genius began weeping, soon turning into full sobs wracking his frail and beaten frame. 

"Y-Yet happeth.. me ful ofte.. i-in bokes rede" He sobbed out, causing Aaron's brows to furrow. "Reid?" Spencer looked at him defeated before curling his arm back towards himself, quickly pulling his body into the fetal position on the ground.

"Of his miracles, and his cruel yre; Ther rede I wel he wol be lord and syre," He said quietly to himself, imagining his mothers arms wrapped around him. He imagined her warmth, the smell of the laundry detergent she would buy- he would buy after she refused to leave the house. He imagined it was her reading the poem, that it was her voice in the room, not his own broken one.

"...Reid.. Look at me.. I'm right here.." Hotch tried again. He'd never been so lost, he'd never seen Reid so broken. 

"I dar not seyn, his strokes been so sore," Spencer continued, his body still shaking with his sobs and hitched breaths.

"Reid, please.. Look at me, I'm right here, okay? You're not alone.." Hotch tried again, he hadn't even realized he was crying as he watched his agent's desperate attempt to self-soothe.

"But God save swich a lord! I can no more."

"Spencer." Hotch said quietly, through his own tears, through his despair. Spencer's head slowly lifted, his red and wet eyes meeting Aaron's.

"Aaron." He replied.

Hotch tried his best to deliver a comforting smile, but he knew it wasn't believable. "I'm sorry." _I love you._

Spencer tried to smile back. He couldn't this time, the most he could do was look into the man's eyes. Spencer stared at him for awhile before he realized just how tired his body was. Even the concrete he was curled up on started to feel comfortable, or at least enough to fall asleep on. His eyes began blinking, falling shut for longer each time, just like all the other moments his body rebelled and forced him to rest.

"I need you to stay awake, Spencer." Hotch said, deciding that in this moment, in this place, he deserved to be called Spencer. Reid was distant, professional. Reid was his subordinate. Spencer was the man he loved, the man who had just been beaten and violated in front of him. Spencer was the man who stopped fighting his attacker to protect Hotch. Spencer was his light, his own protector. Spencer was his angel.

"I- I can't.. P-please Aaron.." Spencer whispered. "Let me rest.." He pleaded, his eyes already falling shut again. He couldn't get them to open again, but he was still awake, he could still hear when Aaron replied to him.

"You wake up for me, Spencer. You wake up and you keep fighting. Don't leave me, not like this." Hotch said, his voice took on a pleading tone, he couldn't find it within himself to care how he sounded, no matter how raw and emotional it was.

"I'm not leaving.." Spencer said weakly. Even with his eyes now closed, Spencer fought to stay awake, to keep his mind working. "I want to hold your hand.." He whispered again, though he wasn't even aware he'd said it out loud. Hotch just stared at him, trying to form a response that wouldn't shatter his own or Spencer's heart.

"Later, when we are out of here.." He decided on. It was a promise, a loaded one at that.

Spencer released a huff, "Please.. Let me hold your hand.. p-please Aaron.."

Aaron didn't know his heart could break this much. "Spencer.." He said brokenly, defeated. "I'm cuffed, I can't.. I promise you, when we are free, I'll hold your hand" _For the rest of your life._

"I-I don't think.." _I'll make it out of here to hold your hand._ Reid opened his eyes and blinked away a few tears before letting them fall shut again. "D-Do you think the team is looking for us yet?" _I'm going to die here._

"I don't know how long we were out.. They.. They might not know we are missing yet. " Hotch answered honestly.

"I- I think it should be at least 8am now, p-possibly later, I keep passing out." Spencer said back.

"I was out that long? How long did they have you before they took me?" Hotch asked.

"I-I don't know.. I was walking home when everything went black, I woke up in a van, they dragged me to this basement and you were already.. here, like that.. You were out awhile.. I- I kept watching you.. Hoping your chest was still rising until you finally woke.." 

Hotch couldn't comment on that last part, except that maybe he has done that every time Reid passes out. "We are in a basement." Hotch said in reply, it wasn't said like a question, he was confirming what Spencer had said. Reid nodded his head weakly, still curled up on the ground.

"Alex used a fishers knife." Spencer said quietly.

"Most likely, they either used to be fishers or currently are.." Hotch took away from it, not that this would help their team find them. They were mostly on their own with this, unless there was footage of their abductions. "If it's really after 8 in the morning, then we are both officially late for work. The team knows something is up and they are already looking into this. We work this like a case from the inside while they work from the outside. We'll get out of here, Spencer."

_I won't. I'm not strong enough. I'm going to die from this, but not before you are safe. Not before I know you'll make it home to Jack._

Spencer shuddered with a final cry. "I want to hold your hand." He let his mind stop, _finally_ stop turning, barely hearing Hotch's reply.

"I'll hold your hand.."

_You'll hold my corpse's hand. You'll hold my hand after it's gone cold, lifeless. You'll hold my hand after I'm dead, you'll feel obligated to._

"But I won't be able to hold yours.." Spencer said softly, so softly that Hotch hadn't even heard him.

More tears hit the dirty concrete beneath him, the concrete which had already been stained with his blood. He let them fall, he didn't have the energy to blink them away, even with his eyes closed, they flowed freely down his cheeks. He sniffled through his stuffed nose, released a few shaky breaths and let himself rest like his body had been desperately fighting for.

"You wake up for me, Spencer.."

_I don't think I can this time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want updates regarding my stories or want to chat as friends, feel free to follow/message me on tumblr, same username as on here (@BlueberriesAndBubbles). It's 4:09am while i write this note aannnd I'm crying, thats cute.
> 
> Peace and love,  
> Nei <3


	4. Makes you feel like you're not living right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dear God, sorry to disturb you but  
> I feel that I should be heard loud and clear  
> We all need a big reduction in amount of tears  
> And all the people that you made in your image  
> See them fighting in the street  
> 'Cause they can't make opinions meet about God  
> I can't believe in you"
> 
> ~ Dear God - XTC

Time is a funny thing. Hotch has learned a lot about time, how it moves, what makes it feel so _so_ slow and what makes it feel unstoppable. During cases, an hour would move like it was 10 minutes and time was _always_ running out, it was always unforgiving. When he was on the phone with Haley, hearing her last words, time seemed to have stopped. When he was racing to his house in a desperate attempt to save his son, he felt as though that drive was longer than any he'd ever made. He knows that while it feels like it's been days, he's only been awake a few hours in this man-made hallowed out hell. Since uttering the words _'You wake up for me, Spencer..'_ felt like 10 minutes before the sound of metal scraping was heard. In reality, this sick, cold reality, it had been 3 and a half seconds. How could such a short amount of time feel so long?

The only reason he knew it hadn't been long was because the noise jolted Reid into awareness despite his body being so exhausted, so broken. Hotch can't help but wonder if this is the last time they will hear that sickening sound that puts a swirling ocean of despair in his stomach. He can't help but wonder if this time they'll kill them. He almost mentally scolds himself when he wonders how bad it would really be if they were put out of their misery. He has a son at home, a little boy whose already lost his mother, he can't lose his father too. He remembers his promise to Spencer, a promise to hold his hand when they make it out of this God-forsaken place. He knows that this place hasn't seen God in a long time, if God is real. How could he be? 

_If God is real, he's a sadist._

He knows that this thought has been confirmed when he looks at his youngest agent. Even after Georgia, Spencer had managed to maintain a part of that boyish innocence he always had, but there was this thought in the back of Hotch's mind that was sure it would be lost now. He was kicked down time and time again growing up, then again and again and again as an adult. He was drugged and tortured for days, yet Hotch knows that this is worse. He can literally see the walls in Spencer's head crumbling down, leaving him vulnerable like an open wound.

Time is a funny thing, Hotch thinks. He knows that if their team is looking for them right now, every minute feels like 5 seconds. Every minute feels like an hour here, he wished he understood why time had to be so funny. He knew that Spencer would be able to explain the psychology behind why different situations make time feel as though it's moving differently.

It felt like it took an hour for Patrick and Alex to lift Spencer's limp body back into that wooden chair. It felt like another hour as they restrained him, even though he could barely keep his head up. Time isn't funny, Hotch realizes. It's not funny at all. It's cruel, it's sick, it's unforgiving. The way that each pained whine from Spencer seems to last forever, the way his eyes seem to stay closed for an eternity before opening for only a moment. 

It's the way Spencer looks at him when he can get his eyes open. Like he's expecting his Unit Chief to magically come up with some way out of this. Like it's that L.D.S.K case they had over 5 years ago. Like Hotch knows exactly what he's doing here. It kills him, it tears everything in him to shreds because he doesn't know what to do. This entire time, he's not been able to do anything besides scream and thrash while Spencer is tortured. All he has accomplished is tearing apart his wrists where he is cuffed, he can't see the damage, but he sure can feel it. He knows that if he's this close to losing hope, there's no way Reid has any left.

"You've made your point." He says, though he already knows this won't get them anywhere, certainly not out of this hell. "Look at him, look at what you've done to him. You can still end this, get him help." He knows he's pleading, begging, but he can't bring himself to care as he looks at the pale, bruised, and bloodied body of his dying agent.

Spencer is blinking himself awake at the sound of Hotch speaking. Everything sounds far away, but he knows it isn't. He knows that he's losing blood and he has a severe head injury, he knows that his chances of making it out of here alive are almost non-existent. He knows that even though he has no hope of surviving, Hotch still does. He's made up his mind, he knows his plan now and he'll stick to it, even if it get's him killed. He scans the room and spots multiple nails and even screws on the floor. He knows what he has to do. There's a fishers knife in that chest, he knows that if he can get that, he can get Hotch out of here. 

He forces himself to laugh, even if it's pained and miserable. This takes everyone by surprise. He tries to look at Hotch, to tell him that he knows what he's doing with his eyes, but the Unit Chief is too panicked to understand. _I'm on my own with this, then.._

"The fuck is so funny?" Patrick demands, getting in Reids face with eyes conveying nothing but fury.

"Y-You're so weak," Reid takes a ragged breath, "that you have to," he coughs and it's wet, "restrain a beaten man who is smaller than you." He chuckles again, smiling at Patrick with his red stained teeth.

He was prepared for the harsh punch to his already bruised cheek. He doesn't let himself make a sound besides the initial grunt at impact. "You thought it hurt when Alex used you? I'm not as forgiving as him." Patrick snarls, he nods his head at his brother. "Come on, help me get him on the floor." His voice boomed, throwing Alex into action.

"Don't hurt him.. Don't do it.. Just- Just let him go, he's not thinking straight, he didn't mean what he said!" Hotch thrashed as his voice broke.

They laid Reid on his stomach over the unforgiving concrete. Patrick tugged down Reid's boxers, receiving no fight from the genius, he smirked. "You did this, you and your smart mouth. You take what I give you." Patrick spat out. He stroked himself into hardness through his layers before taking himself out and positioning at Reids already used and bloodied entrance.

"GET OFF OF HIM!" Hotch roared. "REID! REID! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME, SPENCER!" He begged, though the boys face was turned away from his, he could only see his long chestnut-brown curls matted with blood. Patrick began pushing in, pulling nothing but harsh breaths from the man on the floor. "Get off of him! Get off, get off, get off! Please, don't do this to him!"

"HE ASKED FOR IT! ALEX, SHUT HIM UP!" Patrick screamed, thrusting all the way into the limp body beneath him. Alex was placing duct tape over Hotch's mouth before he could say anything else.

_Please God if you're real, help him, help us. Help him, help him, help him! Help Spencer, you son of a bitch._

"You deserve this!" Patrick yelled, bending over Reid's body so he was right next to his ear. Spencer didn't respond, he just took it, nothing but silent tears to show his pain.

_Just get through this and he'll make it out. This doesn't matter, this isn't happening. Only a few minutes and then.. He'll make it out._

Reid took it as a blessing that it was actually less than a few minutes before Patrick's hips were stuttering and he emptied what felt like liquid fire inside of Reid. "Should we put him back in the chair?" Alex asked from the corner of the room. Patrick scoffed as he pulled out of Spencer who appeared unconscious. The only sound in the room was Aaron's muffled threats and pleas. "No.. Think I fucked him to death. Upstairs with me, now." Patrick lead the way, opening that haunting metal door, the sick sound echoing in the room. They were now gone, leaving behind a type of pain Hotch didn't know existed.

Hotch stared at the seemingly unconscious and bleeding body of his agent. He couldn't help but weep. 

_Why, God? Why Spencer? He's been through enough, too much. Get us out of here, please someone get us out of here. I can't do it, I can't save him._

It wasn't till he heard Reid groan and slowly begin moving that he forced himself out of his thoughts. Spencer slowly pulled his boxers back up, trying to save at least a shred of his dignity. He turned over and looked at Hotch who had tears streaming down his face.

"I-I had to.." He whispered before he began dragging himself towards Hotch. "Don't have long.." He said weakly, grabbing one of the thin nails off the floor before crawling behind Hotch and pushing himself to sit up, whimpering at the pain flaring within his body.

Hotch could feel Spencer working at his cuffs with the nail. 

_You're stronger than I'll ever be._

It felt like forever, but it hadn't even been a minute before Hotch heard that familiar _click_ and he was able to pull his arms to the front of himself. 

_An angel. He's an angel. He's everything I should be in this moment._

His wrist was bleeding, but it wasn't as bad as he feared, most of the blood was already clotted so he knew he would be okay. He tore the duct tape off his face while Spencer began working on the cuff attaching one of his ankles to the leg of the bolted down chair. "You can do it, Spencer.." He encouraged. Spencer's breaths became more ragged as he worked at the cuffs, desperately trying to get this pair open, but his shaking hands and blurred vision were only getting worse.

"I-It won't open.. Running out of time.." Spencer said quietly, he was speaking to himself yet Hotch could hear him. "Reid, take a deep breath, you can do this." Hotch tried to comfort. Spencer released a frustrated, panicked groan as he jostled the cuffs, getting nowhere with the nail in his bloody hands. 

"Running out of time..." Spencer said again, tears streaming down his face. "No, no no no no.. I can't get it open.. C-can't do it.."

"Reid, look at me." Hotch tried, but the genius didn't look up, he simply continued his efforts with the cuffs. "Spencer," The boys eyes snapped up to his, they were red and wet, leaking over his bruised face. "Take a breath for me, Spencer. Focus, you can do this."

Spencer started shaking his head, "I-I can't-- Need- Knife.." He stuttered out the broken sentence, but Hotch knew what he was trying to communicate.

Reid dropped the nail and gripped Hotch's knees to push himself up so he was standing on weak and shaky legs. He wasn't sure how, but he carried himself to the other side of the room, opening the chest. He found the same knife that had been used to cut his clothes from his body, then another just like it, except with a longer handle. He limped his way back to Hotch, handing him the fishers knife previously used on his now shredded garments. "Hide it behind your back." Spencer said before he was walking away again.

"What are you doing?" Hotch asked as Spencer slowly made his way back down onto the hard concrete. He gripped his knife tightly in his hand as he laid down with it tucked underneath his chest. It made sense now, they would have to catch them by surprise. Of course that was the plan, it was the only one that gave them a chance with their conditions, especially Reids.

_If God is real, I thank him for Spencer Reid._

"Aaron.."

"Yes, Spencer?"

"Promise me," A wet cough could be heard in the room, blood now spattered on the concrete beneath Spencer's face. "You'll tell my mom that I loved her... and I was always proud to be her son."

"Spencer... You're going to get out of here and say all of that to her yourself." 

"Promise me."

"Spencer-"

" _Please Aaron!_ Just this.. **_please_** ** _._** " 

"I promise."

The ear-splitting sound of metal scraping against concrete made itself known. They were back.

_Dear God, if you're real, help us._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Health Update and the future regarding my works:  
> I am going through chemotherapy right now, I just started last week. I have good chances right now, what I have isn't aggressive and was caught fairly early on. This is the most I will go into detail over this. I hope to carry on with my writing since it is a form of enjoyment and therapy. My works on here and the people who read them have become important to me, I love nothing more than posting a chapter and receiving feedback on it. Thank you for reading my fics, it means the world to me.
> 
> For health and fic updates:  
> Tumblr: @BlueberriesAndBubbles  
> Twitter: @ReidAndBubbles


	5. And you might be alright with that, but I can't waste my time like that anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still I feel the pain  
> Inside this hell  
> I'm burned by the flames  
> Eternal yells cast into the lake  
> Where there is no love  
> 'Cause love is just pain
> 
> ~ Blkbird - LUND

**~One Week Later~**

Derek stood behind Garcia as she typed away at her computer. "Baby girl, look at me." Garcia huffed and spun around in her chair, "I'm just worried, aren't you?" She asked, her eyes red, a symbol for everyone's pain the past week. "Of course I am, but we still have to do our job." Derek said gently, placing his hands on her shoulders.

Garcia shook her head, "No, he is all alone right now, I should be with him, not in here. Another techy can cover me, I'll get Kevin!"

Derek kissed her head as a soothing gesture, "Garcia, you know he would just tell you to come right back here anyway. He is where he needs to be and we are where we need to be." 

There was a small knock on the door before it opened to reveal JJ, "Hey guys, sorry to interrupt- we have a case- everything alright?"

"Yeah, just.." Garcia trailed off and avoided Derek's still piercing eyes. "I'm worried about him too." JJ said. "Why can't I just stay with him for a little bit? I don't think he's okay." Garcia pleaded.

"No one would be okay, not after.." Derek stopped when he saw Garcia's eyes become wet. "He just needs time. Until we hear more, all we can do is work as a team and help the people that need us." JJ offered.

" **He** needs us! I- I wouldn't be okay after- after watching any of you die, let alone.. him. And now he's in that god-awful hospital room **all alone** while we are here- doing nothing!"

"We can't be of any help there, you know that. He doesn't want us there, especially when we have a case. We need you right now, the victims of this case need you right now." Derek tried again, praying he could work some sense of motivation back into his beloved friend. 

"Hotch needs me- us right now! He watched him _die_ , Derek! Would you be okay after that?"

"God, Garcia, of course I wouldn't be! None of us would be okay after watching what they did to Spencer," Derek clenched his fists and released a heavy breath, "but he gave us an order, we have to follow it. He's at the hospital and Jessica brought Jack to be with him, he isn't alone. The team needs you right now, the most help you can be is from here. Spencer would want us to work this case right now." Derek said, his voice breaking at the mention of his best friend's name.

"Alright." She sighed out, standing to follow JJ and Derek to go over the case.

**~Current time~**

"I promise." Hotch uttered, devastation evident in his voice.

The ear-splitting sound of metal scraping against concrete made itself known. They were back. Spencer lay on his stomach, a knife tucked beneath his chest and the cold unforgiving concrete. "He's still on the ground, maybe I really did fuck him to death." Patrick sneered as he nudged Spencer's form which was appearing limp and unconscious.

"Don't touch him!" Hotch snarled, causing Patrick to look at him, beaming with pride. "You want to take a turn with him?" He asked, causing Hotch's face to twist in disgust. "Oh, not your type? He's not mine either, but a hole's a hole." 

"He was right." Hotch said quietly. Patrick raised a brow and stared at Hotch for a moment, "Oh?"

"Everything he said before was right, you're weak. You restrain and hurt him because he is smaller than you, already beaten. He can't fight back. You even restrain me because you know that otherwise, I could take you out. You're easy to profile, Patrick. You've sucked your brother into this sick power trip and now, no matter what, your lives are over."

Patrick stalked closer to Hotch, though still too far for him to risk exposing the knife he had hidden in his hands behind the chair. "Our lives are over? He's bleeding on the cold concrete and you're cuffed to a chair, doing nothing to help him. He's not going to make it out of here and neither are you. Alex and I will continue on, find another pair just like you two."

"No, our team will find you and they will put you away for murdering two federal agents. You'll never see the light of day again. You ruined your brothers life." Hotch said confidently.

"You want to know what would _really_ give me that so-called power trip?" Patrick gestured air quotes along with the last two words. "If I could get you to take a crack at that ass on the good doctor."

"You can't make me hurt him." Hotch said, though it sounded like a growl. Patrick gave him a bored look, "Are you saying you haven't ever thought about spreading those long legs, feeling that smooth chest? Did you know he was a twink before or have we just revealed it to you as a pleasant surprise?" Patrick snickered.

Hotch leveled a glare on the tall man before him, "Don't talk about him like that." Patrick took two steps closer, getting in Hotch's face.

_Just a little closer, come on._

He vaguely registered Alex moving to be on top of Spencer, lightly nudging him as if he intended to roll him over.

_It's now or never._

"You know something funny, Patrick?" Hotch whispered, causing the man to smirk and lean forward so he was directly in front of the unit chiefs face. It all happened in a flash and slow-motion all at once.

Once second, Patrick was leaning over Hotch, his breath clouding his sense of smell. The next, Hotch had swung his right knife-wielding hand and had 6 inches of blade deep in Patrick's lower stomach, surely puncturing his left kidney. If it weren't for the struggle he was now engaged in with Patrick, he would register the commotion from Reid with Alex. Patrick gasped at the pain in his stomach and simply gaped for only a moment before trying to get a hand around the handle of the knife buried inside himself. Somewhere in his mind, Hotch registered the cry of pain from Spencer or the grunt from Alex.

Patrick wrapped his right hand around Hotch's neck, though his grip was weak. He wrapped his left hand around Hotch's knife-wielding hand which was currently twisting the blade within Patrick's stomach. He screeched in pain, his knees buckling, sending him crashing to the floor. Hotch was now looming over him at an awkward angle due to his ankle still shackled to the chair. Patrick tried to get a few hits in as he pounded at Hotch's chest and arms, though the man wasn't registering anything as he pulled the now bloodied knife from Patrick's body.

_I've killed with my hands before, I can do it again._

He quickly stabbed the knife into Patrick's chest as the man now wrapped both of his hands around Hotch's neck, squeezing with what strength he had left. Blood pooled around the second wound, the first still producing a puddle around the body slowly being released of it's life. As everything seemed to become a shade of crimson around him and the man beneath him, the grip around his neck eased. He could feel the life leaving Patrick's body in a way he'd never before, it sent waves of unease through him until the hands caked in crimson fell to the ground. "You didn't help us.." Patrick choked out, his teeth and lips red and wet. His eyes closed as his body went limp. He was dead.

_This was the only way I could help._

Hotch is suddenly aware that there are other noises in the room. Cries and groans from Spencer, grunts and muffled whimpers from Alex. He looks over to see Alex straddling Spencer, violently slamming the genius's body into the ground beneath him as blood spreads from multiple wounds on Alex's arms, torso, and legs. The pools of blood coming together on the dirty concrete, crimson with crimson. There's more red, covering his young agent, but he truly can't tell if it's from Spencer or Alex. 

The back of Reid's head makes contact with the concrete multiple times, a sickening _CRACK_ joining each heart-wrenching impact. They are too far and Hotch is still cuffed to the chair, he can't get to Reid, not like this. Spencer's cries are becoming weaker, but so are Alex's aggressive motions. Hotch uses all of his strength to kick at the leg of the bolted down chair, deciding wood would likely give before a pair of cuffs. He can see the two struggling forms in his peripheral vision as he kicks at the chair again and again and again- 

Until he can see one of the forms has gone still. Like Patrick. Lifeless.

**~One Week Later~**

"Daddy!" A blur of soft colors and well-worn sneakers darted to Hotch, quickly making impact with him. "Easy buddy, Daddy's ribs are still healing." Jessica added gently, though Hotch didn't seem bothered as he hoisted Jack to sit on his lap. "Thank you for bringing him here." Hotch said, his voice stoic around his son. Jessica could see past the mask, she could see the devastation and grief upon her brother-in-law. 

"He was begging to see you too, it was no problem. You both need each other right now." Jessica said with a sad smile. Aaron nodded, holding his son close to his chest. "I know, I'm sorry I haven't been at home for him, you shouldn't have to take him here everyday."

Jessica waved her hand dismissively, "Never apologize for this, I'll watch him as long as you need. When will you be coming home?" She asked quietly, glancing to the machines creating a quiet hum and periodic beeping across the room, wires and tubes leading to the bed.

Aaron sighed, "I don't know- soon, hopefully. I- He," He trailed off, his stoic resolve cracking as he tried to speak. "He was so scared when he- and he didn't even know I was there when..." Hotch stopped talking, glancing down at his son. Jack looked up at his dad, staring into his eyes shining with tears threatening to fall. His eyes had the same look his mom's did the last day he saw her. "What's wrong, daddy?" Jack asked, holding his father as tight as he could.

Hotch cleared his voice and wiped his eyes before smiling at his son, "I- uh- I just miss Spencer, buddy." Hotch said, stroking his sons hair. Jack seemed slightly confused, but he simply nodded and hugged his dad tighter.

"You were there, Aaron. He wasn't alone." Jessica said softly.

"He didn't know that. He thought he was alone- He just kept- he wouldn't stop calling for me. All I could do was hold him and tell him I was there, but it was like he couldn't hear me, feel me. He thought I had left him, abandoned him. Just like his father, like Gideon.."

"You didn't abandon him, you were there for every second. He was confused, especially with the severe head trauma and- but I'm sure a part of him knew you were with him." Jessica hoped her words would offer any form of comfort, but Hotch only shook his head.

"He was _so scared_." Hotch let his voice crack this time, he could already hear how thick his words were coming from his tightening throat. "He's the reason I'm holding Jack right now. He did this, he saved me. I couldn't even comfort him before-" Hotch released a sob, clinging to his son who was dozing off in his arms, comforted in the warm embrace of his strong father.

Jack knew his dad was crying, it was a lot like when his mom went to the better place. He knew that no matter how strong, even his dad could break sometimes. It was a hard conclusion to come to at his age, one Hotch never wanted his son to make.

"He wouldn't want you to live like this. He wouldn't want to be the reason you're away from Jack. You need to come home, Aaron."

**~Current Time~**

Hotch gave three move powerful kicks to the chair's leg. On the third, it cracked, the wood splitting. He released a breath of relief before delivering one more sharp kick to the middle of the leg, finally causing it to break, a pleasing _CRACK_ joined the action. Hotch quickly pulled the cuff up and off the now split wood. He scramble over to Reid who was gasping for breath beneath the large body which had gone limp above him. He shoved Alex's bloody body off of Spencer, the man rolled off with ease, head falling limply to the ground.

"Reid- Spencer, where are you hurt?" He asked frantically, feeling over his agents body in search of a possible wound hiding beneath the blood covering him. Spencer blinked and groaned, weakly shaking his head as he looked at Aaron.

"Aaron.." Spencer whimpered, his body shifting. When he moved his head, he revealed a small amount of blood beneath his matted curls. "Spencer.. Your head.." Hotch gasped, lightly touching the back of the boys head, earning a wince from Spencer. "I need to get us an ambulance, I need a phone.." He sprang to his feet, carrying himself to Alex's body in search of a phone, which there wasn't. Next he checked Patrick's pockets; nothing.

_Dammit! Dammit Dammit Dammit **Dammit!**_

"Spencer, I need to go upstairs to look for a phone. You need to stay awake while I do that." Hotch said urgently. When all Spencer responded with was a weak whine, his head tilting in Aaron's direction, the man huffed.

_I'm on my own with this. That's okay. I've handled worse. I think._

He scurried over to Spencer, half-haphazardly grabbing Spencer by his shoulders and pulling him to sit up, wincing when the boy cried in pain and a hand shot to his lower back. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." Hotch whispered against the boys temple as he propped him against the wall. "Stay awake, Spencer. Do you understand me?"

Spencer gave a small nod, "Aaron.."

"I'm right here. I need to find a phone, I'm not leaving you. Stay awake for me, Spencer." He gently patted Spencer's less bruised cheek to get the genius's eyes to widen. "Count to 120 for me, I'll be back before you're done." Aaron cradled the boys face in his hand's, waiting for any sign of understanding. It was a small, hesitant nod. That would have to be enough. He wasn't sure why, but he placed a soft kiss to the boys forehead before he ran to the metal door, pulling it open with some effort. He took comfort in the quiet, soft voice of Spencer as he made his way up a set of stairs.

_"1... 2... 3..."_

Hotch opened the door at the top of the steps, revealing a seemingly normal house. He darted through each room before his eyes landed on two cellphones sitting directly next to each other on the table by what appeared to be the front door. He hastily grabbed one of the phones and dialed 911 as he unlocked and opened the front door.

_"31... 32... 33..."_

"Hello! Hello, I need help, now! I am a federal agent, it's my partner, he has severe head trauma and internal injuries, he doesn't have long!... I don't have the address, I don't know where we are, you need to track this call... I need every available unit, this is SSA Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner.... Yes, we need medical!... I need to get back to my partner, I don't think the phones will work in the basement so I need to leave this here so you can locate us." He placed the open phone down and swiftly lifted the next one, this time dialing Garcia's direct line.

_"82... 83... 84..."_

"Oracle of all things great!" Garcia's angelic voice flowed through the phone like a vocal safe haven.

"Garcia, I need you to track this call and send every available unit, send the team!" Hotch cried to the phone, he was running out of time.

"Oh my god, Hotch, Sir! We've been trying find you and Spencer for hours now!"

_"95... 96... 97..."_

"Track the call and send them!" Hotch's voice roared through her speaker, making her jump as she worked her magic to locate them.

"I'm patching Morgan in now while I locate you, stay with me, Sir!" 

"Hey baby gir-"

"Morgan, Garcia is going to send you our location, you need to get here with- fuck- bring everyone!"

"Hotch!? Is Spencer with you?"

"Yes! He doesn't have long, we need this place closed off when you get here, it's a crime scene. We need help! The door is open, we will be in the basement!" Hotch's voice was frantic.

It was a voice Morgan had only heard once; when he was pulling Hotch from Foyet's lifeless body.

"I have your location! Already sent to Morgan and the rest of the team!" Garcia yelled.

_"119... 120..... A-Aaron?"_

"The team is with me, we're coming, Hotch. Shit, you've only been 11 minutes away. Hold tight!" Morgan's voice was like a lifeline. 

_"Aaron..? Aaron? Aaron!"_

Aaron didn't reply to Morgan, he just tossed the phone next to the other, rushing back down the stairs in time to hear Spencer's frantic voice raised in fear.

"Aaron come back! Please! Don't leave me!" Spencer cried, his body starting to slip to the ground, tears streaming down his face.

Hotch hurried over to the boy, pulling him so he was between his legs, bare back to Aaron's clothed chest, bloody head resting on Aaron's shoulder. "I'm right here, Spencer. Help is on the way, it's going to be okay."

"Aaron please! Aaron!?" Spencer's voice was rough, raw. He didn't care as he screamed for a man that was already holding him. "Shh, I'm here. Keep fighting for me, Spencer."

"Aaron! Come back! Please.. Don't leave me.."

"I'm here, Spencer, I'm holding you!" Hotch responded eagerly, smoothing Spencer's bloody and matted hair away from his face.

"Please Aaron... I'm scared.. It hurts.." Spencer cried, reaching his hand towards the door, like he was expecting Hotch to come running in any second. Aaron held him tighter, though still being mindful of his injuries.

"Please hear me, Spencer! I'm with you, you aren't alone, I promise! Just hear me, Spencer!" Hotch cried, burying his face in Spencer's curls.

"It hurts, please Aaron, come back.. I'm sorry.." Spencer choked out, still looking at the door for a man he already had, he just didn't know. Spencer's eyes started drooping as he fought to stay awake.

"No, no no no, Spencer! Open your eyes! Come on, don't do this to me. Don't leave me, not like this." Aaron pleaded, stretching out one of his arms to grasp Spencer's hand in his own. He gripped firmly, stroking the pale skin with his thumb as he held the genius.

"Cold.." Spencer whispered to himself, trying to curl his arms around his bare torso, he didn't notice Aaron's grip around his slender fingers. He didn't feel the warm arm wrap around him with his hand. He didn't hear Aaron's pleas or frantic protests. 

" _Aaron_..?" Spencer whimpered as his body went limp against Hotch's.

"Spencer! No, please! Help is coming, I just need you to fight for me! Stay with me!" Spencer didn't respond, his eyes were closed and his body was still, but he was still breathing.

"No! No no no, I can't lose you! Not you! You can't leave me! Don't leave me, Spencer!"

Hotch let his tears fall into Spencer's curls, he desperately fought not to rock the weak body cradled in his embrace. "Please.. Please please please!" He wailed desperately.

_Please, God, if you're real, don't take him away! It's too soon! Too soon, too soon, too soon... Don't take him! You can't take him! Not **him!** You've taken so much, but not him, don't take away Spencer. I'll do anything, don't make me lose him before I even have him. Fuck, he doesn't know I held his hand! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck! Fuck you, God! He's perfect, you can't take him away, he's perfect._

He heard sirens in the near distance.

_I promised myself I'd spend the rest of your life holding your hand, but not like this. Never like this. Don't leave me, please don't leave me. It wasn't supposed to be like this, we were supposed to make it out of here together. **Together!** I can't do this without you! I won't believe in heaven or hell, but you're an angel, you're **my** angel! You can't leave me- leave us like this! _

He heard Morgan's voice booming through the house from upstairs. It wasn't a relief, Spencer had stopped breathing. He was gone, like Patrick, like Alex. Lifeless.

He heard Morgan enter the room, gun drawn as he lead the rest of the team and medics into the room. "Clear!" Immediately, the medics rushed to Spencer, pulling him from Hotch's arms and laying his still form on the concrete.

"Hotch! Hotch, are you hurt?" He could hear a voice, it was a female, Emily maybe? He wasn't sure. All he could see were paramedics bending Spencer's chest as they forced air into his lungs.

_Save him! Save him, save him, save him!_

"Hotch, what happened?" A male voice this time, Rossi?

"He's breathing! We need to get him out of here now, he's not stable!" Another voice called. He watched them lift Spencer's form onto a gurney, ushering him away. It was then that he sprang into action, following closely, ignoring the protests from the team and paramedics as he got into the ambulance alongside his young agent. Spencer was breathing again, but he still wasn't conscious.

 _Why won't you wake_ up?

"Step on it! He doesn't have long, he has severe head trauma and signs of internal bleeding!"

_Wake up, please wake up._

"We're losing him again!"

_I can't lose you, don't make me live without you before I get to live with you._

_Please don't leave me, Spencer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I cried a little writing this, oops.  
> Feedback encourages updates, so please, let me know what you thought of this chapter! Sorry for it taking so long, hopefully it didn't disappoint though? Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Peace and Love,  
> Nei <3
> 
> For health and fic updates (or just wanting to chat):  
> Tumblr: @BlueberriesAndBubbles  
> Twitter: @ReidAndBubbles


	6. I know everybody goes to the same dark places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At every occasion, I'll be ready for the funeral  
> Every occasion, once more, it's called the funeral  
> Every occasion, know I'm ready for the funeral  
> Every occasion, oh, one billion-day funeral
> 
> ~ The Funeral - Band of Horses

_**"Please Aaron... I'm scared.. It hurts.."** _

It's all too much, lights, sounds, the feeling of blood still covering his bruised hands. People are trying to talk to him, he knows that somehow someone has guided him to sit. He can't bring himself to listen to any of the voices around him. He flinches when a light is shined in his eyes and his body is being manipulated, examined. He knows he should be talking with whoever is asking him questions, trying to provide him with care. He doesn't need care though, he needs Spencer. They took him away, he thinks it was for surgery, but he wasn't sure. He wasn't listening, just trying to make it through the nurses and then security to follow the limp form on that heart-wrenching gurney. They took Spencer away and now he isn't sure if the man he loves is somewhere in this hospital with a sheet over his head.

No, everything is wrong, he needs Spencer. He needs to help Spencer, it was his fault the young agent was hurt. He should have done more, he should have fought harder. Spencer put on such a brave face, yet Hotch couldn't even think clearly during probably the most crucial time to do so. _Could have done more, should have done more._

**_"Maybe I would listen to you, but you aren't even willing to try?" Patrick asked in a voice faking disappointment. He placed a gentle kiss to Spencer's bruised cheek, making the boy close his eyes. "How far will you let me go before you drop your pride?"_ **

He feels someone prodding his bruised ribs, but he already knows that's all they are, bruised. Why is he being examined, shouldn't everyone be helping Spencer? 

**_"Who am I going to hurt, you or-" Alex was cut off by Spencer immediately piping up once he understood what was being asked of him. "Me! Me. Hurt me, let him go."_**

"Reid, no-" He managed to pant out, brushing off the hands taking his vitals. "He's in surgery, let her help you right now." He recognizes the voice as Rossi. 

He can't focus, Spencer trusted him, depended on him. He'd let him down.

_**"Having to be taken with someone, out of anyone, I feel the safest with it being you."** _

"No, no Spencer needs help, he-"

"He's in capable hands, Aaron. You need to settle down." Rossi gently placed his hands on his friends shoulders, urging him to sit and stay as such. "He needs me!" Aaron cried out, his voice desperate. Rossi stared at him for a moment, waiting for his breathing to calm before he spoke. "Look at me, Aaron," He waited for the Unit Chiefs panicked orbs to meet his own, "Reid is in surgery, he's with the people that can help him right now."

"He's alive?" Aaron breathed out, his body trembling. "He still had a pulse when they brought him back." Rossi confirmed. The veteran profiler decided that he didn't need to tell Hotch the kid was in critical state. Hotch seemed to relax somewhat at the reassurance from his elder. "I know it's fresh, but we have two bodies and no idea what happened. I need you to tell me what you can." Rossi said gently, his voice encouraging.

"I'll give my statement right now." Hotch said, his voice still shaky despite his attempt at sounding firm.

"The entire thing?" Rossi asked, his voice now weary. 

_**"Ho-Hotch.. Make it stop.." Spencer cried, tears rolling down his cheeks as he felt a finger prod at his entrance. "I'm sorry, Reid.. I'm here, you're not alone.."** _

Hotch nodded, "It's the only thing I can do."

"Alright, once you're fully checked over, Emily and I will take your statement"

* * *

Derek sat with his head supported in his hands. He'd seen the state Reid was in. He'd watched his best friend tortured through a monitor, yet somehow, it was so much worse finding him like that in a basement. In a basement, cradled in their unit chiefs arms. Their unit chief who was desperately clinging on to him like a lifeline, face buried in bloodied chestnut-brown curls. Pools of crimson surrounding them, lifeless bodies of men- monsters- by their sides. He didn't know the full extent of what happened, no one did, not yet. Did he want to know? 

A ball of color and panic came bustling into the waiting room where Derek and JJ were currently sat. "Derek!" Garcia yelled, running towards the broad man who was now standing, blood on the front of his shirt. "What happened, are you hurt?" She asked, running her hands over the spots to be sure there weren't any injuries. "It's not mine." Derek assured.

"Where's Hotch and Reid?" She asked, looking around for any sign of either. The following silence only reinforced her panic. "What happened!?"

JJ was now standing, "Hey, hey, calm down. Spence is in surgery, Hotch is with Rossi getting looked at, Emily just headed his way." The petite blonde informed her friend, watching emotions flit across Garcia's face.

"Surgery? Surgery for what?"

Derek sighed and rubbed a hand over his head, "They said he has a severe head injury and signs of internal bleeding, the paramedics said it looked like he was beaten repeatedly."

Garcia covered her mouth as tears brimmed her eyes. Derek averted his eyes and instead directed his attention to the floor. "What aren't you saying?" Garcia asked. She wasn't a profiler, but she knew when her Derek Morgan was keeping something from her. JJ cut in, stepping between the two, "You know what matter's, Penelope. Could you actually go get us some coffee's from the cafeteria?" 

Garcia eyed her for a moment before deciding to follow her instructions with a huff, "If I didn't trust you so much, I'd be fighting you both on this sketchiness." With Garcia now away from them, JJ felt the need to discuss what they'd avoided since seeing Spencer's limp body cradled in their Unit Chief's arms.

"If we're going to be able to help him recover, we need to at least acknowledge what happened to him." JJ said quietly, eyeing Derek for a reaction. His reaction was exactly as she expected, acceptance of her statement, yet an obvious look of dread. "Has a doctor confirmed it?" She then asked. He shook his head, looking to the ground with his jaw clenched tight.

"No, but you saw it." He gritted out, "We all did- the blood.. God, JJ, his thighs were.. _coated._ " He sat down, his elbows on his knees as he cradled his head in his hands.

"We don't know for sure it was.. _that_." JJ whispered, taking a seat across from Morgan. "His clothes were on the ground, they had clearly been cut." Derek shot back, his tone furious.

"He'll get through this." JJ comforted, though she wasn't sure she believed her own words.

"He has to."

* * *

"Start from the beginning." Emily said, sitting next to Rossi, across from Hotch.

_**Patrick jabbed the rod into Spencer's arm, causing the young agent to release a pained scream as his body spasms within the restraints. "Stop it! You've made your point!" Hotch yelled. Patrick pulled the rod away, leaving Reid gasping for breath as his body still jerked with the aftershocks of the electricity sent through him, pained whimpers escaping his mouth.** _

Aaron took a deep breath and began recounting every horrifying detail of his and Reid's capture. Every jolt of electrical current sent through Spencer's body, every hit to Hotch's ribs with the bat. Neither of the two agents could contain their stoic masks when Hotch described the moment Reid was dragged from the room. " _He begged me to make it stop."_ Emily was glad she hadn't eaten that day, otherwise she was sure she'd have lost it all the moment Hotch brokenly said, " _I couldn't see him, but I could hear him. He was screaming, crying. He started calling my name. He was terrified."_

_**"AH! Stop! Stop stop stop! Please! Hotch! Hotch!" Aaron could hear Spencer through the door. He closed his eyes in defeat as he listened to Spencer's cries and screams. "Ho-Ah!-Hotch! H-Help! Hotch! Hotch!.... H-Hotch!?" Spencer's voice became one of horror.** _

He didn't seem to notice the horror on his team member's faces as he continued in detail. _"He didn't know I was there in the end. I **was** there! I only left him to call for help, but he thought I abandoned him! He kept begging for me to come back- not to leave him. I was with him- I was right there! He didn't know- He was all alone!" _

_**"Aaron please! Aaron!?" Spencer's voice was rough, raw. He didn't care as he screamed for a man that was already holding him. "Shh, I'm here. Keep fighting for me, Spencer."** _

_**"Aaron! Come back! Please.. Don't leave me.."** _

_**"I'm here, Spencer, I'm holding you!"** _

Hotch was gripping his hair in his own fists by the end, tears so close to being freed from his eyes. They decided his statement was more than finished at that point.

It was emotionally draining for the three of them, especially Hotch, having to relive what he'd just escaped, but they'd made it through. With Hotch's full statement now recorded, Emily left to meet with the others while Rossi stayed with Hotch. The Unit Chief was broken, no one trusted to leave him alone till they received word on Spencer's condition. Derek and JJ listened to Hotch's statement, tears in their eyes. Hotch had confirmed their worst fear, their worst conclusion. What was even worse was when they were informed that cameras were running in the corners of the rooms in the basement. All of the footage had been stored on an external hard drive that was also located. This meant that they would have to go through these files, confirm Hotch's statement. That would have to wait till Spencer was out of surgery, if he made it out.

The next six hours were torture for everyone. The team kept up with updates from the scene, but besides that, all they could do was pace and eagerly await any form of updated from anyone. Of course, they'd not heard anything yet. The only hope they had was that if Spencer had died, they would have been informed, so for now at least, he must still be fighting on a table somewhere in this hospital. It's a bittersweet thought, their friend is most likely still alive right now, but any second and this hope could be crushed by a defeated surgeon who will have just heard the final beeps signifying Spencer's life.

Rossi stayed with Hotch the entire time, he was probably the only one more focused on Hotch than Reid at the moment. It's not that he wasn't worried about Spencer, he was actually surprised by how affected he was by Reid's condition. Hearing what happened to the kid was painful, a type of pain he could feel in his chest. In the beginning, things had been odd between Rossi and Reid, he didn't know how to handle someone as eccentric as Spencer. Overtime, he'd grown fond and even protective over the young genius, almost like he was the kids uncle. He didn't know how any of them would recover if they lost their youngest in such a sick, horrifying way. _Raped and tortured to death._

What Rossi couldn't help focus on was the extra bit to that sentence if it ended up becoming a reality. _Raped and tortured to death while Hotch was forced to watch._ If he dies, Hotch will be left with scars worse than Foyet. Sure, Reid isn't his family and Rossi isn't even sure if they talk outside of work, but they've worked together for over 5 years and _Hotch had to watch._ Rossi wasn't sure what lasting effects psychological torture like that would be left on someone as already damaged as Aaron. Spencer has to pull through, if he doesn't, they'll lose Aaron too.

Even if Spencer manages to survive, this isn't something anyone recovers from. Hotch's life revolves around Jack and his team, he spends everyday making decisions he prays will keep everyone safe. Now, he's had to watch helplessly as a member of his team was hurt in the worst ways imaginable. He technically did watch Spencer die, twice now, from what Rossi heard about the Georgia case with Tobias Hankel. Spencer was brought back, but he wasn't breathing when they made it into that god-forsaken basement. The blood surrounding Hotch as he held Spencer's lifeless body was an image Rossi would never be able to rid himself of. He'd most likely be the one to review the tapes from those cameras, but watching someones torture on a video is completely different from living it, from being a part of it.

Jessica brought Jack to the hospital to see his father as soon as Hotch was aware enough to realize he hadn't seen his son and needed to be sure the one good thing he had left was still breathing, still full of life. Since the ball of energy came sprinting towards Hotch, he's been safely enveloped in his dads arms. Rossi had given his friend some space after his son arrived, Jack was the only person who could provide any sense of comfort during this time. Everyone else was too lost, too devastated to help each other. He hated himself for it, but Rossi already considered how he would take over the payments for Diana Reid's care at Bennington if Spencer didn't make it out. He already knew that he would put every penny he could into ensuring Reid's mother got the best care possible, it would be the top of Spencer's priorities, just like it always had been since he was 10. 

Who would break the news to Diana if her son died? How would they explain his death? Surely you can't explain to a paranoid schizophrenic who has only had her son in her life for the past 18 year's that her child was raped and tortured until he died. No one could explain to her how her son truly believed he was alone in his final moments despite Hotch's desperate arms surrounding him. Rossi already knew who would have to figure out how and what to tell her.

It would be Aaron. He would insist. He would kill himself trying to make something right that he hadn't wronged.

* * *

Garcia was a mess, the entire time all she could do was cry until she was tired and then cry more once she'd hydrated and regained the energy to do so. Morgan kept his mind from obsessing over what happened to his best friend by trying to be a source of comfort for Garcia, not that any of his soothing touches or murmurs of reassurance were penetrating her wall of sorrow for her boy genius. JJ was quiet, though her eyes were red and tired, she was too worried to cry. She didn't want to think about having to tell Henry that his godfather was gone. She didn't want to think about having to bury someone who had become part of her family. Emily couldn't stay still, she wanted to be helping in some way, but there was nothing for her to do. All she could do was wait. All anyone could do was wait. 

Hotch was different from all of them. Since Jack arrived, Hotch couldn't bring himself to let go of the boy, not even for a second, not until he knew. He needed this, he needed his son in the moment as a reminder why he needs to stay strong, why even if he loses Reid, he can't lose himself. His son almost became an orphan, but it was because of Spencer's sacrifice that he didn't. Hotch then realized something Spencer had said- after Patrick had...

**_"I-I had to.."_ **

Spencer had angered Patrick, he had baited the man into hurting him. It was the only way to get them out of there and Spencer knew that. He used his already battered body as a tool to free Aaron.

**_"Should we put him back in the chair?" Alex asked from the corner of the room. Patrick scoffed as he pulled out of Spencer who appeared unconscious. The only sound in the room was Aaron's muffled threats and pleas. "No.. Think I fucked him to death. Upstairs with me, now."_ **

Spencer's mind was always working, always solving puzzles, but it was always thinking about someone else, never himself. He turned off his emotions, his pain, and managed to save Hotch's life by doing so.

**_"Don't have long.." He said weakly, grabbing one of the thin nails off the floor before crawling behind Hotch and pushing himself to sit up, whimpering at the pain flaring within his body._ **

How could he ever thank Spencer for what he'd done? How could he ever put something like that into words? _Thank's for baiting a sick man into raping you so that I could hold my son again._ The truth was that there were no words, only actions, promises being met.

**_"Promise me," A wet cough could be heard in the room, blood now spattered on the concrete beneath Spencer's face. "You'll tell my mom that I loved her... and I was always proud to be her son."_ **

In the moment, Aaron was so sure that they would both make it out, that Spencer's brilliant mind had done it again, he'd saved the day. When he uttered those two words before devastation took over his and their entire teams lives, he was sure he'd never have to make good on them.

**_"I promise."_ **

Now he was thinking about a very possible visit he would have to make to Diana Reid soon to inform her of her son's upcoming funeral. He'd had to break the news to too many families before, but this was different. This wasn't the mother of a victim in one of their case files. This was _Spencer's_ mom. The woman who always loved her son unconditionally, even after he had her institutionalized when he turned 18. This was the woman Spencer cared for from the ages 10 to 18. He spent 8 years facing bullying, isolation, confusing changes during teenage years all by himself. He was so strong, he'd proven that time and time again. Bullying that skirted the edge of torture, the L.D.S.K case, that train with Elle, the fisher king, _Tobias,_ addiction, Gideon leaving, Benjamin Cyrus, repressed memories, getting shot in the knee; the list goes on and on and _on._

Hotch was sure he would never admire someone as much as he does Reid; except for Haley who died protecting their child. He found himself grouping Spencer with Haley in a lot of things lately, even before this life-destroying trauma they just faced together. He always noticed how easy it was for Spencer to make Jack laugh, especially when he did those magic tricks for him and Henry whenever the team got together as a family. He would never forget when Spencer took the time to talk with Jack and actually made him giggle after the service for his mothers funeral. Sure, Reid was close with Henry because he was his godson, but he was a natural with children, nurturing came easy to the young man. That's one of Hotch's favorite qualities about him.

When asked, every member of the team would say that Spencer's brilliant mind is their favorite thing about him, his ability to solve anything you put in front of him. That wasn't a bad answer, it was just different from Hotch's. Of course he adored and admired Spencer's brain, his intelligence was one that Aaron had never seen before and would never see again. Despite his fascination for Spencer's mind, He loved Spencer's _heart_ , his quirks. After a lifetime of many traumas, Spencer still managed to give off this innocence, like he'd been untouched by the horrors of this world, like he was pure. He certainly _wasn't_ untouched, this dark place had hurt Reid in more ways than anyone even knew, but he really was pure. He has a heart that is so full of love and compassion for others, he never stops to think about himself.

The way he wears mismatched socks, the way his finger _always_ glides across the pages as he reads, the way his brows would furrow when he didn't understand something. It was always so abundantly clear when Spencer was truly lost on something. It was such a rarity for him to not grasp a topic, it was like an expression of shock and frustration every time he didn't. It was mainly social cues or phrases that he only would have heard had he grown up with proper social exposure. The way he would ramble, it was one of the few things that actually caused him to exude any amount of confidence.

Hotch always loved the way Spencer knew who he was and accepted himself. Garcia accidentally let it slip how Spencer referred to himself as a "blinker" before, basically announcing he wasn't a dominant person. As a man who was ridiculed growing up, commonly hearing that he was weak and pathetic, it was remarkable how okay he was with being himself instead of desperately trying to fit inside some box he clearly didn't belong in. Hotch commonly wondered if Spencer had tried to come across as the alpha male type before, but gave up when it was too exhausting.

Everyone teases Spencer for the amount of sugar he puts in his coffee, but Hotch knows how he really likes it, with two teaspoons, not heaping spoonfuls. He knows that Spencer only drinks his coffee with that much sugar because he suffers from insomnia and nightmares, something he'd accidentally let slip one time when Hotch gave him a ride home after finding the genius slumped over on his desk long after everyone else had gone home. Everyone but Hotch.

He couldn't help but wonder if the few moment's he'd shared with Spencer would be their last.

_Come back to me, Spencer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me updating this story before 3am? whaaaat? Anyway, I'm nervous about this chapter and worried I'll lose readers now that Patrick and Alex aren't currently torturing spence. is that weird? please let me know what you thought of this chapter.
> 
> Kudos & Comments are always appreciated and make me smile during these tough times. 
> 
> Peace and love,  
> Nei <3


	7. Sometimes in the dead of night when you think you can't make it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm your guardian but you're my angel now  
> I'm here for you when you ain't here anymore  
> I'll stand by you when you're standing in front of Heaven's door  
> Holding you in my arms till death do us part  
> I won't let go  
> I'll be by your side till I turn to stone"
> 
> ~ Turn to Stone - Dalton Rapattoni

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if hours previous, you got a notification for this chapter being posted, I accidentally posted it before it was ready and deleted it then continued to write it, this time it's real tho!
> 
> <3  
> btw i dedicate this chapter to Gio (yes I'm shortening your name by 5 letters for some privacy) because they've been talking to me on tumblr and always comment on here anonymously. The endless support and encouragement means the world to me. They also heavily motivated me to finish this chapter without even knowing and I'm so glad I did. So everyone that cares (prob only me) can thank them for me somehow updating two of my works within like 12 hours of each other.  
> <3

*****

It was the moment he saw their eyes. It didn't feel real. They left, he knew they were speaking with the surgeon. When they came back, it was too quick. You don't explain someone lasting issues that quickly. You give their time of death that quickly. It was their eyes. The tears that couldn't be dried in time. The sorrow, the heartache. They didn't need to tell him, he was already feeling all of it before Rossi could open his mouth. Even the elder profiler had to clear his throat in a desperate attempt to formulate any words that could be said. He knew what Rossi was thinking, _How do I tell him he's gone?_

He didn't have to say it. None of them had to. It didn't feel right, didn't feel real. All he could do was think over their moments before all of this, it was nothing more than platonic, barely beyond professional. Hello's and goodnight's didn't seem like enough now, how come they did for so long before this? He can't go back and fix this, do it over. Do it right. He wants to, that's all he wants. He can't help but wonder if when he promised to hold his hand after they made it out, Spencer knew it was a lie. He thought of Spencer as his angel during all of this, but now it's like he really is. He's gone now.

_I was supposed to be his guardian, but now he's my angel._

This doesn't feel real. Out of all the moments in his life, this is the one that he decides, _can't_ be real. He doesn't know why. All he knows is that when he does start to hear Rossi speaking, it's all muffled, there aren't real words, yet he understands what's being said to him. He understands that he's being told Spencer is dead.

_Spencer is dead._

Everything is a blur. None of this _feels real_ and he needs it to stop. He needs this to be over. He needs to be back at home, making oatmeal for Jack while the boy excitedly talks about the new thing he learned from Spencer the last time he stayed over at Henry's while JJ and Will needed a date night. He wants to drive the genius home after not being convinced he'd actually go home on his own. He wanted to regrettably halt one of Spencer's rambling's when they need to get to the point, only to ask to hear the rest later on the jet. 

These are all things he want's, but things he will never get again. It's awful how something so amazing can be taken from you before you even have it. He want's to scream and cry and rage at everyone. He want's to take all of his feelings out on the team staring at him. He can't, it's not their fault. The men responsible are dead. Somehow, he isn't brought any comfort or peace by that. They are dead, but so is Spencer. They were damaged, broken down and turned into what they were in their last moments, but they broke Spencer. They took him away. What would Spencer have turned into from that had he survived?

_Spencer is dead?_

That can't be true, it doesn't feel true. He'd do anything to make it false. Anything to take back everything, all the times he didn't act on his feelings. He was so scared about those damned fraternization rules and Haley dying that he had refused himself the man he'd lose far too soon. He couldn't change this now. Everything was blurry, he was confused.

It was when he swore he heard Spencer's voice that he tuned in and focused on his surroundings. He wasn't in the hospital anymore. No, he was at home on his couch. So was Spencer. Why was Spencer on his couch? Why was he looking right at him like he was his everything?

"Spencer?" He asked, searching the figure for any of his previous injuries. There were none, he was unmarked, pure. "Spencer.. You're- You aren't hurt?" He asked, reaching towards the man.

"Not anymore. I have to leave, Aaron." He spoke softly. His voice was different, it was as light and timid as when Hotch first met him.

He looked at the boy confused, he didn't miss the light glow surrounding the boy. He wasn't sure how, but in that moment he knew that Spencer wasn't really there. He was gone. "Where are you going?" He asked, scooting closer to the boy and grabbing his hand. He wanted to weep when he actually felt the hand in his, though it didn't feel right, it wasn't alive. It wasn't real.

"You didn't save me, Aaron. I need to go." Spencer said coldly, his eyes speaking defeat.

Hotch's heart shattered. "Wait- No- don't go, Spencer!" He called out when the young man began fading away. He could no longer feel the hand in his, even if it was wrong before, it was better than this. Empty. Alone.

He felt tears build at his eyes while sorrow built up in his heart. He couldn't save him. Suddenly, all he could hear wore the same heart-wrenching words that had drilled their way into his head from that basement. They were all Spencer's words, his promises, his pleas, his pain.

_**"I.. I don't think I can stop them next time.."** _

_**"I-It's okay.. H-otch.."** _

_**"Ho-Hotch.. Make it stop.."** _

_**"No.. No no no no... please.. H-otch! Hotch! Hotch please!"** _

"Hotch!" He heard a distant voice calling him.

_**"AH! Stop! Stop stop stop! Please! Hotch! Hotch!"** _

_**"Please.. Let me hold your hand.. p-please Aaron.."** _

"Hotch, wake up!"

_What? Wake up?_

**_"Aaron come back! Please! Don't leave me!"_ **

**_"Please Aaron... I'm scared.. It hurts.."_ **

"Aaron, wake up! Reid needs you."

*****

He shot up, breathing rapidly. He first noticed that he was basically surrounded by the team and Jack was sat in JJ's lap instead of being cuddled up with him anymore. Once they watched him wake, JJ lead Jack out of the room, holding his hand tightly. He watched confused for a moment before trusting that she would take care of his son, he trusted her. He rubbed his eyes and forehead before looking up to see the team still looking at him.

It was their eyes. They were devastated. It was happening again, it's like the dream but this time it's real. he can feel it's real this time. They wouldn't have woken him unless it was about Spencer and they wouldn't look like that if he was alive. "No." He choked out, already feeling his throat tightening. 

It was Emily who took initiative and sat in a chair opposite of Hotch. "He's out of surgery." She said gently, reassuring him. 

His head snapped up and he looked at her confused but hopeful. "He's alive?"

It was the silence that followed which left him far more confused and far less hopeful. This time it was Rossi who spoke when Hotch visibly deflated and his face became a mask of sorrow.

"He is alive." She assured. He couldn't muster any reaction, there was clearly something they were keeping from him.

"Hotch..." Emily trailed off, looking towards Rossi and Morgan. Next, it was Morgan who cleared his throat and took a seat next to Emily.

He rubbed his head over his bald head and released a sigh. "Tell me what's going on." Hotch said firmly, his eyes now dark. "What's wrong with him?" He then asked, leaning forward.

"He's out of surgery, but he won't wake up. We've spoken with his nurses, doctors, surgeons, they all said he should be awake by now. They are saying he's slipped into a coma due to the extensive head trauma he came in with. They don't know when or... if he's going to wake up. They said it could be tomorrow, next week, month, year, or not at all. They don't know anything yet, but they want to run more tests later if he still isn't responsive. He coded on the table twice, but he came back both times. They said he's strong, that's for sure." Derek rushed out, his own face and voice a reveal of his pain.

"He- He's alive.." Aaron whispered, more to himself than anybody else. He couldn't help but smile. Spencer was strong, he would wake up again for them. He always woke back up in that damned basement, he could do it here when he had this to come back to. He needed to see him. He needed to see his angel, the man who survived going to hell and back. He would wake up, Hotch had to hold on to that.

He tried not to seem so frantic when he demanded to see Spencer, but his stoic mask shattered when he saw the boy in the bed. His breath caught in his throat as he analyzed the wires and breathing tubes. The rhythmic beeping of the machines is a clear bittersweet sign that Spencer is alive, but not quite back with him. The room feels cold and lifeless so he reminds himself that it isn't lifeless, Spencer isn't dead. He can wait a day, a week, a month, or forever to see those eyes open and reveal the hazel orbs he never knew he could miss so much.

His hair has been washed, no longer matted with his own blood, small patches over what he's sure are electrical burns that'll be leaving nerve damage and complications Hotch doesn't want to think about right now. The chestnut-brown curls frame Spencer's bruised and still slightly swollen face. He's skinny and looks impossibly small, the hospital gown swallows him and Hotch wishes he could see him in one of his sweater-vests. Most of his injuries are hidden or patched up, but there are still less severe bruises and cuts that are visible. His eyes aren't moving beneath his eyelids like they do when he's sleeping, but Hotch doesn't let himself think that over for more than a second as he plants himself in the chair closest to Spencer. He pulls it as close as he can and grips the boys hand, even if the other can't feel it.

Staring at Spencer's beaten and weak form, surrounded by white and gray's that announce he's in a hospital, Hotch thinks he looks beautiful. Like an angel. 

He knows this is only day one of waiting, but he knows he will still be here everyday to follow. Now that he's next to the genius and watching his chest rise and fall, even if it's because of a machine, he doesn't think he can ever tear himself away from the sight. The beeping of the heart monitor is a type of music to his ears that overwhelms him with just how tired he really is. Now that he's here with Spencer and they are safe, his eyelids feel heavy. He isn't sure how he fell asleep before, probably because of the security having Jack in his arms brought him. 

Like he'd been summoned, Jack came walking into the room quietly, he was taking practiced steps towards his dad, JJ hovering in the doorway. "He wanted to be with you and he said he wanted to see his uncle Spencer." JJ said quietly, smiling with wet eyes. Hotch nodded and pulled his son into his lap, kissing the top of his head and breathing in the familiar scent of his only child.

"When are we going home?" jack asked innocently. This caused Aaron's head to snap up, he hadn't thought about going home. He didn't want to go home. He wasn't sure he even could bring himself to go home. "I- I'm not sure yet, buddy." Hotch said, disappointed in himself.

"When we do, will Spencer be coming home with us?" Jack then asked, reaching his small hand out to rest over his dads which was gripping Spencer's like a lifeline.

"Well- I don't really- Yes.. I hope he will." Aaron finally answered, his eyes stinging with tears he refused to let fall in front of his son.

He wishes Spencer was there to tell him the chances of coma patients waking up with injuries such as his. 

* * *

His first day wasn't the worst. Everyone thought it would be. Jessica ended up taking Jack back home with her for the night and Hotch promised to spend more time with the boy in the morning. He spent the day and night holding Spencer's hand, refusing any attempts the team made to get him to eat or leave Spencer's bedside. They all linked it to the trauma Aaron now shared with Spencer and the fact that he was the one who held him in his arms as he died. If they made any conclusions over Hotch's true feelings, they kept it to themselves. He drank some water, but only because he couldn't risk being forcibly removed to treat dehydration. He used his SSA status and the fact that he and Reid had been kidnapped together to bypass the hospitals rules, so the nurses didn't bother him despite him having stayed past visiting hours and through the night. He refused to use the couch in the room, he stayed in the uncomfortable chair and when he fell asleep, he was slumped over with his head resting by Spencer's hip.

_I just need you to wake up for me, Spencer._

The second day was worse. He knew he had to move, so he forced himself to get up and use the bathroom and pace the room as he stretched out his limbs and back. He accepted the food Garcia aggressively offered him this time and he was grateful for the cup of coffee he was supplied by Rossi. Garcia decorated some of the surfaces with Doctor Who and Star Trek figurines, trying to liven up the room and make it more fitting for their boy genius. No one really tried to make Hotch talk and they all took turns spending time with him in the room. Hotch was granted a month and a half of leave given the circumstances and he'd likely be requested to take even more time. The footage from the basement was already being reviewed, but not by their team out of respect for Hotch and Spencer. Strauss would likely see certain clips, but Hotch didn't want to think about that.

He saw Jack for a few hours and played games with him, Henry, JJ, and Will. They all tried not to talk about how small Spencer looked in that bed while they played candy land with the boys. Henry cried when Spencer didn't wake up in time to talk before he had to leave, but no one had the heart or energy to explain just how long it could be until Spencer wakes up. Jessica took Jack back home with her, she looked like she wanted to say something to Hotch when he asked for some clean clothes to be brought the next day, but she didn't. He spent that night in the same position as the last, slumped over Spencer's bed, clutching Reid's thin hand in his own. His hand was colder than Hotch would like, but not cold enough for him to let go. He never wanted to let go again.

_I promised to hold your hand, I am. You can't feel it, but I am. I didn't break that. Just open your eyes, squeeze my hand. Do something, anything. Please._

The third day felt like more of a routine, which he couldn't tell if that was a good thing. He showered in the bathroom attached to the hospital room and changed into fresh clothes while Derek sat with Spencer. Hotch insisted Spencer was never alone, he didn't want him to be scared and alone when he wakes up. He spoke with Rossi that day, the elder could tell something was in Aaron's head that he wasn't saying. There was a lot he wasn't saying, but his aching love for the genius was the main thing in the moment.

"It's only the third day of this, Aaron." Rossi said gently when he looked into the tired mans agony filled orbs. Aaron shook his head and continued to stroke his thumb across the soft skin of Spencer's hand as he held it tightly in his own, just as he had been since first entering the room.

"I know he's going to wake up. He always woke up." Aaron said quietly. Rossi assumed this was related to their capture which he has so many questions about, but he's not sure there will ever be an appropriate time to ask them.

"He will." Rossi decided on. He needed to be reassuring, even if he wasn't sure he believed it himself. There hadn't been any improvements in Spencer's condition, but the doctors had high hopes for him.

"I know I'm letting everyone down right now, others need me. I just can't leave him." Hotch choked out.

Rossi took a seat on the opposite side of Reid, his eyes drifting to Aaron's hand securely wrapped around the pale one beneath his. "You've not willingly let go of his hand since you've been in here."

Hotch looked at him like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar for a moment, but he didn't disconnect his link to Spencer. "He needs to wake up. He needs to come back from this." Aaron said, tears spilling down his face for what felt like the millionth time since that cursed basement.

"He will." Rossi said again, realizing there really wasn't anything else he could say.

_He needs to, otherwise I don't think I'll be coming back from this._

The fourth day was the hardest. He couldn't help but just feel frustrated, angry, exhausted. He hadn't properly slept and all of his joints were sore. The hospital staff were fighting him more and more on his consistent staying and refused to allow him to help when they cleaned up Spencer. One nurse let him wipe down the boys arms and wash his hair, though it was all an awkward process and Aaron prayed Spencer wouldn't feel violated by it. He found peace when brushing out the commonly unruly curls which now gently rested against Spencer's still form.

As he finished brushing the silky strands, he tucked them behind Spencer's ears and couldn't help but let his fingers linger against Spencer's jawline. He quickly dropped his hand however when he felt the urge to bend down and place a kiss to Spencer's forehead. That was too much and Spencer wasn't awake to even consent to that type of touch, no matter how innocent and protective the intent behind the thought was. He'd draped one of his sweaters over Spencer's small frame, hoping it would prevent the genius from waking up cold. He always did complain about feeling cold, bundling up under sweater-vests and scarves. He couldn't help but stare down at Spencer and just pray that those beautiful eyes he knows are hiding beneath his closed lids will meet his own. They don't move, not even a flutter, no change in his heart-rate, the ventilator working his chest as if it wore his own lungs doing the work. The doctors said the ventilator wasn't necessary, but it would help his body put all of it's energy into healing properly and waking up.

He clenched his fists as he sat back down at Reids side. "Why can't you just wake up?" He asked brokenly, staring at the young man. He was getting tired of the beeping, infuriated by the sight of all the wires. "Wake up, dammit!" He raged, slamming his fists onto the bed, directly next to Spencer's form.

"Hotch!" He heard Morgan's deep voice roar from the doorway. "Take a step back, yelling at him isn't going to make him wake up any faster. It's only been four days." He said gently, he understood the frustration. He hadn't been as outward about his feelings, but seeing his best friend in that bed everyday was tearing him apart on the inside. He was tired and scared and needed a break from being the strong one. He had come to the room in hopes of a moment alone to grieve for his friend who he hadn't even fully lost, yet it felt as though he did.

"I'm sorry." Hotch said, stepping away from the bed to turn towards the window, looking out at the bright blue skies. The weather didn't match the mood. It was a beautiful day, it just didn't feel like it. "I get it, man. You should go take a walk, get some real food." 

"No, I'm fine." Hotch insisted, straightening out his clothes.

Derek gave him a bored look, "I wasn't asking. I need a moment with Reid, please." Hotch recognized the tone in Derek's voice and decided to respect his wish. He left the room, but they both knew he wouldn't be able to stay away for long. He took a walk in the beautiful weather, but couldn't find it in himself to appreciate any of it.

With Aaron out of the room, Derek let himself break down. He sat by Spencer's side and wept. He wasn't the type to let others see him cry, but Spencer was his best friend and he'd seen his tears before. Even if he wasn't awake, Derek didn't care if he knew he was making Derek cry. He couldn't help but release a choked out wail when he examined the purple bruising along Spencer's face, the edges just beginning to turn yellow. He trailed his fingers over the bruise and let more of his tears fall. Spencer was the baby of the team, but he was also the kid Derek took under his wing to protect him. Spencer was his baby brother, his pretty boy. Now his face was bruised and he was lying in a hospital bed, broken.

"You're still a pretty boy, okay? Come back to us and I won't let anyone hurt you again, Spencer. I'm here now, I know I wasn't before and I'm so sorry. I know you needed me and I let you down, but I won't again, alright? You're safe now, it's okay to come back to us. We need you, I don't think you ever fully understood how much we all love you, but I'll personally make you understand if you just come back to us." Derek pleaded, hanging his head.

Hotch returned within an hour to find Derek clutching Spencer's hand in both of his own. He cleared his throat, causing Derek's head to snap behind to face him. "I can give you more time." He offered. Derek released the thin hand from his own and wiped the wetness from his face. He sniffled a couple times before standing, "Uh- No, it's alright. I should really get back, there's a lot to do, I don't want to leave Garcia alone for too long either." With that, Derek made his leave. Aaron could hear and see the pain etched into the strong mans features. Derek was filled with empathy, when he loves someone, it's with all he has. He loves Spencer, they're family. Hotch realizes he isn't the only one mourning a man who still has a heartbeat. 

_Come back to us, Spencer._

The fifth day felt like a blur, mainly because it was the first day he didn't spend in Spencer's room. He wanted to, but he had meetings and briefings to go over what happened with him and Reid. The video footage backed up his statement. He spent time with Jack and took the boy for ice cream, though all of his smiles were forced. Jack could tell his dad wasn't happy which only made the boy further upset. He didn't like seeing his daddy upset, but he knew it was about Spencer. He missed Spencer too. "When is Spencer going to be coming home with you, daddy?" Jack asked from the backseat as Hotch drove his son to Jessica's apartment.

Hotch sighed, "Soon, I hope."

Garcia and Emily spent that day with Spencer. They took turns petting his hair and reading the same poems to him his mother used to. Rossi and Derek visited, but only for a moment and JJ planned to bring Henry to see him the next day. Garcia wanted to weep at the bandages covering Spencer's burns, she couldn't wrap her head around something so horrible happening to someone so perfect. She abruptly stopped her reading of the current poem to choke back a sob.

"He'll wake up, Penelope." Emily comforted. Emily was a lot like Derek, always having to be strong, always being the protector. Garcia wasn't like that. She wasn't a protector, she's a nurturer, she's a healer. They all would have categorized Spencer the same way, but after Hotch's recounting of their time in that basement, everyone realized Spencer had been their protector this entire time.

"He had a crush on him, you know." Penelope said, sniffling and dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "What?" Emily asked, cocking her head to the side. Penelope chuckled.

"Yeah, our baby Einstein, he had a huge crush on Hotch." She said, smiling at the pale form on the bed. Emily gasped and leaned forward, "No way!"

"Yes way! He followed him around like a puppy for the longest time, but it was so different from how he followed Gideon. I think he was embarrassed- liking his married boss and all. He'd blush every time Hotch praised him or even patted his shoulder. It was the cutest thing."

Emily shook her head in disbelief, "When did it end?" She asked. Garcia shrugged, "I'm not sure if it ever did, I just think he got more comfortable with his feelings. He still blushes around him sometimes, not that Hotch ever notices of course." She rolled her eyes as she spoke, making Emily chuckle.

"Is it kind of weird I think they'd be cute? Spencer is great with Jack and Hotch has such a soft spot for our genius." Emily said, cooing at the boy on the bed. Their smiles fell for a moment, looking at him in the state he was in. They spent the rest of their time sharing the fondest memories they had of Spencer.

They left when Aaron returned to spend another harrowing night at Spencer's bedside. It was taking a toll on him, but he couldn't imagine being able to sleep while away from the young man. It was weird, watching his bruises heal while knowing that the rest of his recovery is currently on pause. He fell asleep in the same position as always, Spencer's hand in his and his body slumped over onto the bed.

*****

**"You're burning the eggs!" Spencer squeaked, pushing away from Aaron's arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Aaron laughed, his chest rumbling against Spencer's as he kissed the genius's neck.**

**"I have more eggs in the fridge." He said as an excuse. Spencer giggled and successfully pulled away, kissing Aaron's dimple before turning to fiddle with the stove in an attempt to save the eggs. He exhaled in relief as he plated the just-slightly overcooked eggs onto plates next to bacon and fruit.**

**"Next time you want to have a fancy breakfast, try not to get distracted, hmm Hotchner?" Spencer hummed, pulling Aaron into a kiss. The older man grinned, "It's hard not to be distracted."**

**He watched Spencer as he ate his breakfast. He was perfect. Gorgeous chestnut-brown curls which glow like honey when in the sun that frame his face beautifully. Cheekbones and a jawline so sharp they could cut glass. Wide eyes filled with wisdom and a story of unmatched bravery. A cute nose to match the adorable shape of his eyebrows, almost always making him look somewhat like a begging puppy. Thin, nimble fingers, usually skimming pages now delicately holding a piece of bacon. Perfection.**

**"Take a picture, it'll last longer." Spencer joked. Aaron was about to reply, but he suddenly heard a familiar beeping. With their line of work, it was unmistakable. It was a heart monitor. He looked around but couldn't find anything which could be emitting the painful sound. It sent a pang through his heart as he realized something.**

**"When did you wake up? When did we come home?" Aaron asked, now looking at Spencer shocked. There were no scars from the electrical burns he suffered, his face free of bruises Aaron was sure he'd just seen on his pale skin. This wasn't right. Well actually, this felt right, but it didn't feel real. Upon his realization, Spencer began to spasm in his seat, a guttural cry escaping his mouth.**

**"Spencer!" Hotch screamed, rushing to Spencer's side, catching him as he fell limp. "Spencer.. It's okay.. I'm here, it's over.."**

**Spencer looked at him with wet eyes, the bruises reappearing across his face, those horrid burns fading back into his skin, his hair suddenly matted with blood.**

**"Aaron-" He choked, reaching his hand to hold Aaron's. "I'm here." He promised, rocking the boys body in his arms.**

**"It hurts, Aaron." Spencer whimpered.**

**"I know.. I know it hurts, but I need you to come back to me Spencer."**

**Just like that, Spencer vanished from his arms, leaving the Unit Chief kneeling on a concrete floor surrounded by pools of blood, alone.**

*****

"Spencer!" He screamed, shooting up from where his upper body was laid across Reid's bed. That was the worst way to start the sixth day. Hotch got a cup of coffee before returning to Spencer's room. Jessica brought Jack for some time and Hotch apologized to his son for not being home again. He wasn't sure how much longer he could do this, but he knew that Reid needed him. The team had a case, but it was a local, so that eased some of the stress, they all dreaded the idea of leaving Quantico while their youngest member was in a coma and Hotch was such a mess.

No one said anything about Hotch's response to Spencer's condition versus his response to Haley's death. He wasn't coping as well. Before, he used his son as an anchor and was able to grieve through being the father Jack needed. This time, he was refusing to do anything except metaphorically chain himself to Spencer's side. He was more so chaining himself to his guilt, the overwhelming knowledge that he failed Spencer, he couldn't protect him. The sixth day was somewhat hazy. He went from reading to the still form on the bed to stroking the boys knuckles with his thumb and vowing to never let anything hurt him again. He couldn't help but weep.

_I'm so sorry, Spencer._

The seventh day started with Aaron feeling numb, empty. He was exhausted and every time Garcia called to check in, he had to bite back an irritated retort at the technical analyst. They took Spencer off the ventilator, saying he didn't need it and his body had healed nicely, it was up to him to wake up when his body was ready. Of course, if he did wake up, there were a lot of possible long term or permanent side effects that come from the severe head trauma Spencer faced, but nothing can be determined yet. Hotch feels more at ease when he sees Spencer and there isn't that godawful breathing tube down his throat, surely it'll be sore when the boy wakes up. Hotch cringes and prepares a cup of water, just in case. He places a different one of his sweaters over Spencer, this one the boy had actually worn once when he'd crashed on Hotch's couch after the team went out for drinks only a month prior. It was dark blue and completely plain, but Spencer, while drunk and giggly, obsessed over how soft it was and how nice it smelled.

**~**

_"Alright, in you go.." Hotch said, guiding a very drunk and unstable Spencer into his living room. Jack was at a friends house for the night, which Hotch was very grateful for at the moment. He got Spencer settled onto the sofa before retrieving a glass of water and some animal crackers for the boy. He handed Spencer the cup and helped him take several sips._

_"Th'nk you-uuu!" Spencer hummed, smiling all goofy at Aaron. It brought a grin to the Unit Chiefs face. "You're welcome, Reid." He said, now placing the bowl of crackers in front of Spencer._

_"Th-" Spencer stopped from a hiccup, giggling before he continued, "They look like an'mals!" He cheered, his voice childlike. Hotch laughed and agreed with him, encouraging him to eat them before he could pass out. While Spencer munched on the crackers, Hotch retrieved the small trash bin from the bathroom and placed by the sofa. He brought out some blankets and began to unfold them after placing his fluffiest pillow which was usually on his own bed, at the end of the sofa._

_"Alright, it's time you go to sleep." Hotch said with a shake of his head as Spencer giggled with every cracker he ate._

_"But.. 'm not in my pajamas." Spencer frowned. "I'll be back with some sleep clothes for you." Hotch said with a sign. Spencer nodded eagerly and Hotch took off to his bedroom and opened his dresser. He grabbed a blue sweater and a pair of sweatpants which had a drawstring so they wouldn't fall down Spencer's slim hips. Upon returning to the living room, he gasped when he saw Spencer, in nothing but a pair of lavender briefs with.. 'are those doodles of planets on them?'_

_He chuckled and shook his head for what felt like the hundredth time that night. He tried not to gauze at the exposed skin, Spencer was drunk and unaware of his actions. Hotch slipped the sweater over his head and let Spencer use him for balance as he failed to step into the sweatpants many times before success._

_"Mmmm" Spencer hummed, holding the sweater up to his face. "Smells nice, smells like you.." Aaron's eyes widened, but he didn't let himself think too much on that. "Are all your clothes this soft?" Spencer asked in his usual inquisitive tone. Hotch laughed and helped settle Spencer underneath the blankets and turned off the lights. He settled into a chair across from the sofa Spencer was now softly snoring on, in case the boy woke up sick in the night._

**~**

Hotch couldn't help but smile at the memory. Every time he thinks of a good memory with Spencer it's bittersweet because he doesn't know if these are all he'll have. He feels so defeated that when Jessica brings Jack and actually says something about Hotch being away, he listens.

_"He wouldn't want you to live like this. He wouldn't want to be the reason you're away from Jack. You need to come home, Aaron."_

Jessica's words rung in his head as he packed up his items and prepared to head home for the night to be with his son. He took a seat next to Spencer, knowing it would be another 30 or so minutes until Derek arrived to spend the night with the genius. Aaron still insisted Spencer was never left alone. As he sat, holding Spencer's hand against his face, trying to memorize the feeling of the young mans skin, he let a few more tears fall.

He gripped the hand tighter and almost laughed at himself when he swore he felt the hand twitch in his. He really did need to go home, get some proper sleep, be with his son. Come back fresh in the morning to repeat everything. A week of this was really killing him. He was about to drop the hand when he felt it again. A twitch. He leaned back and stared at the hand intently. His eyes stayed glued on the fingers resting against his own. He gave a firm squeeze and almost shot out of his chair when the hand squeezed back. He looked up at Spencer's face to see two hazel orbs staring into his own eyes. His eyelids were half closed and he looked groggy, confused for sure. Hotch held his breath for a moment, but then Spencer croaked out one word with a hoarse voice, barely any sound coming out, the word sounded painful, yet beautiful.

"Aaron.."

Hotch smiled and tears of joy ran down his face. He hit the nurses button and quickly lead the small glass of water he'd poured earlier towards Spencer's lips. Spencer took a few small sips and looked at Aaron gratefully. He gave Aaron's hand another firm squeeze. 

"You came back to me." Aaron whispered, kissing Spencer's hand. He wasn't thinking when he did it, but before he could regret the action, Spencer smiled and tears of relief ran down his cheeks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were confused during this chapter, "*" means it's someones dream.. "~" means it's a memory or flashback. idk if I used those differently in past chapters, but I wanted to make it clear this chapter for you guys since I used them a couple times.
> 
> I know it took like,,,, 3 weeks, but I'm proud of this chapter! Hope you all enjoyed reading.
> 
> Peace and Love,  
> Nei <3


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